What His Crimson Eyes Believe In
by AngelDragon
Summary: A/U(Part 1 of the sequel to 'Echoes of Angels')Kaworu experiences love & life with Shinji,after their final battle against SEELE(language,shonen-ai/mild yaoi)*COMPLETE*
1. The Angelic Seashore

What His Crimson Eyes Believe In a Kaworu & Shinji fic by AngelDragon  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own Shin Seiki Evangelion. And the song lyrics are from 'I Will Remember You' by Sara McLachlan & I don't own that either. But I do own this fic.  
  
Warnings/Notes: Well here it is. The beginning of the explanation of the many-year gap between my first K & S epic 'Echoes of Angels' and the somewhat sequel to it 'Days Go By'. Hopefully this'll fill in the gaps appropriately. I tried to keep the timeline as accurate as I could. (It's probably best to read the other two first to understand this better, since I'm trying not to repeat myself very much. This is shonen-ai between Kaworu & Shinji, (Sometimes a little intense, sometimes humorous) so you have been warned. I don't think there're spoilers for the series, gomen if you stumble upon them. Hope you enjoy and review onegai? Oh and these: are thoughts.  
  
This is mostly for Dark Hikari Kamiya, who's prompting inspired me to write this. And for my other excellent reviewers: Kawaii Black Moon, The Dying Poet, enervate, Pandora & Yuuichi. (Not to mention anyone who continues to read and review this & any of my other K & S fics. ^_^ Arigato ahead of time, minnasan!)  
  
  
  
Chapter 1: The Angelic Seashore  
  
"Remember the good times we had?  
  
I let them slip away from us when times got bad.  
  
How clearly I first saw you smilin' in the sun.  
  
Wanna feel your warmth upon me. I wanna be the one.."  
  
September 13,2017  
  
How beautiful it is today. Only a few clouds in the sky. And so warm, too. Not scorching like it usually isKaworu sat on a salt-encrusted, pitted boulder at the high tide mark. He inhaled deeply, tilting his windswept gray head back as he closed his eyes to savor the crisp sea air. He smiled, feeling the sun's soothing rays, hearing the crash of the rolling surf and the distant calls of the gulls. The only disturbances to this otherwise peaceful scene were the enthusiastic splashes and laughter of his koibito.  
  
He couldn't help but turn to that delightful noise. A soft laugh escaped him as he observed a rare moment of Shinji at play. Shinji was wearing only his swim trunks and a light tan, thoroughly enjoying trying to keep his dark haired head above water as he leapt with the incoming waves. Kaworu settled back on his rock to enjoy the attractive scenery. He's like a dolphin when he does that. Not to mention the fact that his body and water of any kind are always a good combination  
  
He was in a very good mood; the couple was enjoying Kaworu's birthday vacation, having just arrived about two days previous. The first day had been spent doing mostly two things: sleeping and each other. Kaworu had guessed that it was a sort of unwritten rule when you took your boyfriend to a hotel, especially if it was for a special occasion. He contemplated taking Shinji back to their room to have lunch and experiment with ice cubes but then he saw the waves cresting beyond his sexy sea mammal.  
  
Wow! Those will end up being damn good swells! I can't resist the pull of the tides after all He got up and toted his surfboard under his arm after fastening the leash to his ankle.  
  
Shinji stopped his drifting, spying Kaworu running into the surf. As he gawked, he was smacked in the face when he forgot to meet the next wave and ended up coughing and sputtering as he backpedaled out of the water. As he snorted out the stinging water he heard his koibito's gentle laughter and looked up. Kaworu was straddling his surfboard and looking over his shoulder at him with a broad grin.  
  
"Better close that before a bug flies in!" Kaworu called as he started to paddle out.  
  
Shinji blushed, wiping his face and closing his mouth. Flopping down in the warm sand, he watched Kaworu go to meet his waves. He was enjoying the fact that it was so peaceful here. A boulder could fall out of the sky right next to him and it wouldn't make him take his eyes off his beautiful Angel. He was embarrassed to admit that he was getting a little turned on as he watched Kaworu find the right swell, stroking the wave as it lifted him up.  
  
Kaworu carefully balanced himself as he stood to ride the shifting liquid. He really is enjoying himself. And he's giving me a pretty good show, too! I could die happy right now if I could trade places with that wetsuit for ten minutesShinji felt a ferocious blush coming on as he dug his fingers into the sand. Jeez. Even after almost two years together I still get embarrassed when I think little hentai thoughts about him! Boyfriend or not, I guess some things never change  
  
Kaworu felt the familiar rush of it as the waves he rode lifted him up again and again while he performed his balancing act. Adjusting to the give and push of the water, bending and turning his body, shifting his feet up or down the waxed board as he did so. He laughed from sheer joy. Next to Shinji and his violin, this was a growing passion of his. I'm so glad we came here today! What an experience! He turned his hips and board more into the ridge of his current wave.  
  
He had tried to get Shinji into surfing with him but his koi was just getting used to all things ocean and was still a little skittish. He'll get over it in time, I'm sure. As long as I can at least have the seashore and swimming with him, I don't mind. All things can be scary at first until you see them fully for what they are  
  
As he rode his next wave he got more in tune with the motions of it and enjoyed feeling the cool sea spray on his face. His thoughts drifted back to a birthday from years ago that he'd spent with his childhood friend, Sakura. They were both about ten years old and his being allowed to socialize with her had been part of the 'life' Seele had built for him. Even at such a young age the cover up had begun..  
  
Of course all that was unknown to the young Kaworu who was just happy to have a friend and go to a real school. Before, it'd been a few stern, serious tutors all the time and he hadn't had any friends before. He wasn't allowed to have her over of course but that didn't stop them from going to her house after school on occasion. One day, she'd told her okaasan that it was his birthday and she made cupcakes for them, even letting the two giggly children frost them. Somehow, Kaworu had managed to get frosting on his nose, causing Sakura to laugh and hand him a towel, after he'd tried to unsuccessfully lick said frosting off.  
  
He loved that birthday. It'd been the first one that anyone had actually acknowledged as being anything more than just the day he'd been 'created'. She had drawn him a little birthday card with a chibi wolf on it for his present, which had been his very first present ever. He still had that card in a scrapbook at his and Shinji's apartment. She had even given him a nickname; ookami. "It's 'cause of your gray hair, Kaworu-kun," she'd explained to him at lunch one day. They had only known each other for a couple of years before Kaworu had been pulled from school. He'd barely even had a chance to say good bye to her.  
  
He had hated that broken look on her face and the tears in her eyes. How ironic that Sakura had been her name For just like her cherry blossom namesake, their friendship had been all too brief, in Kaworu's opinion.  
  
Deciding that he was done for now, he splashed down and paddled into shore, hoisting his board as he trudged out, pushing soaked gray bangs from his eyes. Shinji waved to him from his place on the sand and Kaworu went to join him. He unleashed his ankle and stood his board up in the sand, parking it in the shadow with Shinji.  
  
"Good waves today?" Shinji asked, leaning back on his hands as he watched the rolling sea.  
  
"Perfect. Though I still wish you'd join me sometime, Shin-chan," Kaworu said, grinning. He knew what was coming next. It was the same answer each time but he still enjoyed being gently persuasive anyway.  
  
"I know, I know. But I'm just not up to making an ass of myself yet. I just like to swim and I'm glad you taught me how to do that, anyway. I don't think I'd make a very good surfing student," Shinji said, giving an apologetic grin and shrug.  
  
"Alright koi, I'll let it be for now. Besides, there are other things you're a good student at." He knew that would get a blush out of him and of course Shinji always delivered. Almost on cueKaworu chuckled as he put an arm around Shinji's waist and nuzzled at his ear, sending goose bumps over Shinji's bare skin.  
  
"Y- you're pretty good at learning too, you know," Shinji said as a little shiver came over him that had little to do with the sudden gusts of briny wind.  
  
"I read quite a bit. Once I even found a copy of a very old book in an archive, called 'The Kama Sutra'. That was a very curious read. I didn't even think some of those things were physically possible." He grinned in Shinji's ear. "Have you ever heard of that book?" This was almost whispered and caused Shinji to blush further and let out a nervous giggle.  
  
"Y- yeah. I did a report at- at school. Cultural, um, Sexuality," Shinji said. What's he playing at in public? Shinji tensed a bit as he felt Kaworu run a hand through his damp, dark hair.  
  
"Mmm.. I bet you got an 'A', didn't you?" Kaworu purred, enjoying the reaction he was getting from his shy shonen. He's sure not this shy at night!   
  
"Um, close. I got a- Ah!" Shinji's voice had leapt up when Kaworu had blown in his ear. "A- 'B+' actually," he managed to finish. "Is this ocean air making you frisky or something? Kaworu catnip?"  
  
"Could be. My surname does mean 'seashore'," Kaworu replied as he grinned at Shinji and pulled away a bit. Then he surprised Shinji with a sudden gentle kiss, lightly trolling that familiar mouth with his tongue.  
  
Shinji's arms gave out and he sank to the sand on his back with a pleased look on his face. Kaworu laughed as he leaned over Shinji to look down at him. "To be honest with you, I'm getting hungry. Surfing is such a physical hobby."  
  
Shinji giggled at that, thinking of other physical hobbies as well.  
  
"Want to go out to lunch, Shin-chan? Maybe do some sightseeing after?" Kaworu asked as he idly ran a finger over Shinji's chest and heard him giggle again.  
  
"Why not? We probably should get out more on our vacation. Besides, it's your birthday and you need cake," Shinji replied. "It's an unwritten law of birthdays."  
  
"Then we shall abide by that law," Kaworu said, smiling as he helped Shinji to his feet. They dusted off and Kaworu picked up his board. With Kaworu's arm around Shinji's waist, they walked up past the high seawall to their car. Too bad Sakura couldn't be here too. I'm sure she would've liked my Shin-chan  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
After a quick change (made almost not so quick since they 'helped' each other with their clothes), they were off to a small café for miso soup and sandwiches with plenty of Kaworu's favorite cherry cola. They split a big piece of white cake with vanilla frosting afterwards. Shinji told the waitress that it was Kaworu's birthday while he was in the bathroom and she put a little candle on their slice. Kaworu loved the surprise and blew out the candle after he made his wish.  
  
"What'd you wish for?" Shinji asked as he took a bite.  
  
"If I told you, I don't think it would come true, Shinji-kun," Kaworu said as he took a sip of soda. Actually I was wishing I could share cake with BOTH of my friendsHe couldn't help it, sometimes he just got reflective on his birthdays. Oh well. I should be enjoying what I am still fortunate to have, instead of turning to false hopes  
  
Finishing their cake, Kaworu paid their tab and the couple spent the afternoon wandering a few of the little shops down the main street, the white noise of people talking, traffic going by and music coming from assorted cars and stores all blending into the background. Kaworu took in the scene as they walked along, browsing a few window displays. The Lilim can create such beautiful things. And occasionally, such people as I've never seenKaworu watched Shinji's eyes widen whenever he spied something he liked.  
  
"Kaworu-kun, I see something I want to get you! Could you wait here for me?" Shinji asked him. "I want it to be a surprise."  
  
"That's fine, but you don't have to get me something, Shinji-kun. You're present enough," Kaworu told him with his hands in his pockets. The gift that keeps on giving!   
  
"C'mon, let me surprise you, for once," Shinji said with a mock pout. Usually it was Kaworu who did the surprising because Shinji was busy with school. Kaworu was finishing school online, having had enough of being under someone's tutorial scrutiny.  
  
"Alright. I'll just look around in this store, okay? Take your time but don't lose me," Kaworu said, reaching over to give Shinji's hand a quick squeeze.  
  
"I'd never lose you. Have fun!" Shinji took off cautiously across the street and entered a shop that looked a bit like a clothing store, but Kaworu wasn't certain.  
  
He turned and went into the shop behind him, the little bell jingling as he opened the door. Looking around, he saw that it was mostly a bookstore with a few other curiosities scattered on the shelves. A young, vaguely Asian woman with her hair piled up and secured with lacquered sticks greeted him with a smile.  
  
"Welcome! Can I help you find anything?" she asked lightly.  
  
"No thank you. I'm just looking," Kaworu said, returning her greeting. He made his way around, looking at the new releases, magazines and odd sculptures before finding the manga section. Seeing that they had the next issues of two of his favorites, he picked them up. On his way to the front, he found himself in the blank book section. Out of curiosity, he checked them out and a small gray and black, leather-bound diary seemed to call to him.  
  
Well, I've never kept one of these before. Maybe it's time I started. He paid for his selections with his savings account book and as an afterthought he bought a peppermint stick with his pocket change. As he enjoyed his treat he practically ran into Shinji on his way out.  
  
"Gomen, Shinji-kun," he said, awkwardly putting out a hand to steady him. He offered his peppermint and Shinji snapped off a bite as he grinned and held out his surprise, wrapped in blue and silver paper.  
  
"Wow, you went all out, didn't you? Arigato, Shin-chan," Kaworu said as he gave him a small hug while juggling the box, bag and candy.  
  
They returned to the hotel after looking around a bit more, a little tired but wanting to get the salt off themselves first.  
  
"I'll start the shower, Kao-chan," Shinji said. "Open your present!" he called on his way to the bathroom.  
  
Kaworu set his bag on the nightstand, slipping off his shoes and socks before turning his attention to Shinji's thoughtful gift. He tore off the paper and moved the tissue paper aside, eyes widening in surprise as he held it up. It was a red silk dress shirt, the shimmery material sliding through his fingers as he pulled it from the box.  
  
He heard Shinji call, "Do you like it?" over the sound of rushing water as he stood by the bed in awe. This is quite a gift. I don't know what to say  
  
"I love it!" he called back, then gently folded it back into the box. "I'll definitely wear it.. Later.." He trailed off because Shinji had come out of the bathroom - in his birthday suit.  
  
"Want to scrub my back?" Shinji asked with a blush and a playful grin.  
  
Needless to say, Kaworu eagerly joined him.  
  
After a lengthy shower they were both salt-free and still sleepy. Since they had their privacy, they didn't bother with pjs as they cuddled up together in the soft bed, watching a movie until Kaworu noticed Shinji's eyes sliding shut and his head jerking to wake himself up. He blinked and yawned, rubbing his eyes. Kaworu felt sleep tugging at him, too, so he clicked off the TV, yawning as he felt Shinji's damp head resting against the back of his shoulder.  
  
"Hey Shin-chan, do you want to go out for dinner?" Kaworu asked softly. "I'll wear my present." Shinji gave him a sleepy smile, saying, "That'd be great," as he slid an arm under Kaworu's to squeeze his waist. Kaworu sighed as he tugged the covers up more. My koibito. I'm glad you can still be so innocent after all you've been through. As long as I'm here you'll never feel such pain again. I promise  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
Around sunset, the obnoxious alarm went off and Kaworu rolled forward to smack at it, not quite awake yet in the dark room. He coughed and rubbed his eyes as he lay on his belly for a moment, denying the little device's command. He heard rustling and felt a familiar presence straddle him and lean forward to kiss the back of his neck and nuzzle his ear playfully.  
  
"Hi," Shinji said softly. Kaworu chuckled. He's full of surprises today "Are you awake yet?" Shinji asked him.  
  
"How can I sleep through such a pleasant wake up call? You have something on your mind," Kaworu said, imagining the look on his face.  
  
"Maybe later. Right now I'd like to see you in your present, if you don't mind," Shinji said, giving him a peck on the cheek. He felt Shinji's weight shift as he got off of him and slid over to click on the lamp. He saw him look at the bag next to it and turned to face him.  
  
"What'd you find, Kao-chan?" Shinji asked, standing and stretching. Kaworu came around to show him, holding up the diary. He handed it to him and he ran a hand over the soft leather cover.  
  
"This is really nice. I tried keeping one when I was little but I never found anything worth writing about in my life. I bet you've got a story though, Kao-chan," Shinji said.  
  
Kaworu hated that look on his face. He's far too depressed these days. I'll have to change that  
  
"Shin-chan, listen," he began. "You have quite a story, too. Look at everything with Nerv. You don't have to put it in a book to make it worthy of hearing about. I got one just in case I felt like writing anything down." He touched Shinji's cheek and smiled warmly at him. "Just be yourself. We don't have to measure ourselves against each other. Unless you have a ruler and are still curious, that is." He saw Shinji blush a little and snort as he shook his head.  
  
"Okay, I see your point." He put a finger to Kaworu's lips. "And I know you already have a comeback to that, so I'll go dress in the bathroom." Shinji rooted around in the closet before heading to the bathroom. He knows me so well!   
  
While his koi was occupied, Kaworu got ready, slipping on a pair of tight faded blue jeans. Before he put his new shirt on, he looked himself over in the dresser's mirror, absently running his fingers over the light scars on his torso. I'm so glad that chapter of our lives is over He sighed as he slid the garment over his head. This feels so much better He ran a hand down one of his arms to button the cuff. Shin-chan has good taste He ran a brush through his scruffy gray hair, tucked in and slid on his shoes and socks.  
  
Hearing the click of the bathroom door, he turned to see Shinji stop in mid-stride and stare at him with a lopsided grin.  
  
"Wow. I thought it'd look good on you but I didn't expect that! It really picks up your eyes," Shinji told him, coming over to run a hand over the cool red silk. Kaworu felt a little prickly feeling on the back of his neck. Kami-sama! He barely even has to touch me! He returned Shinji's grin. "You look pretty good as well."  
  
Shinji was framed in black jeans and a blue-gray dress shirt. He blushed a bit as he scratched the back of his head. I love it when he does that. It's too kawaii  
  
"Are you ready to go?" Shinji asked, trying to change the subject. And he still gets embarrassed when the lights are onKaworu grabbed the keys and their coats. "Now we can go."  
  
They went to a club for older teenagers that had a decent restaurant in it. It was sort of like a non-alcoholic nightlife kind of place. They ordered dinner and enjoyed the atmosphere. There were quite a few people since it was close to the weekend and Kaworu knew he was getting stared at. He was well aware of the fact that his looks were rather exotic but he didn't mind the attention. I know whose attention REALLY matters He quietly sipped his soda.  
  
It wasn't too long before a girl Kaworu had noticed at the bar came over to their table to stand next to Shinji.  
  
"Hey there. You're new here aren't you? Want to have a drink with me?" she asked him. Shinji's eyes widened at the proposal.  
  
"B-but I've already got one," he stammered. She frowned at him.  
  
"I was asking so I could get to know you. You know, you're pretty hot but you haven't been to a lot of clubs, have you?" she asked.  
  
Kaworu remained silent as he watched the kawaii scene play out. He had his chin resting on a hand while idly moving the straw in his glass around. I wonder if I should save him yet?   
  
"Um, no. This is my first time," Shinji said, his eyes darting to Kaworu with a look that said, "PLEASE don't say it!" The girl smiled at Shinji and put a hand on his shoulder.  
  
"Well then, how about you and I have a dance? Maybe then you'll be thirsty enough to drink with me?" she offered. Shinji just smiled as he shook his head.  
  
"I'd love to but I'm with someone," he said as he looked to Kaworu again. Kaworu grinned and gave her a little wave with his free hand. "Hi!" he said, by way of introduction.  
  
"Oh. Sorry, I had no idea," she said with a good-natured frown. "You know it figures. All the cutest ones are either gay or taken and wouldn't you know that I'd find both at once in the same day." She squeezed Shinji's shoulder. "No hard feelings. Have a good night cutie." She blew them a kiss as she went back to the bar.  
  
"You handled that pretty well," Kaworu said with a little smirk. He honestly has no idea how attractive he is Shinji took a deep pull of soda.  
  
"And you managed to restrain yourself pretty well. Practicing?" he asked.  
  
"With my fingers crossed," Kaworu replied, displaying said fingers. Their dinner came and they took their time, talking and enjoying it. Later, the music came up and people started drifting to the dace floor, crowding around the speakers as the dj started up. Kaworu grinned mischievously as he stood up and dragged Shinji to his feet. "C'mon Shinji-kun, this is good music!"  
  
Shinji was a little embarrassed but allowed himself to be pulled into the crowd of energetic bodies. The music was a good dance remix that everyone was getting into. It's not mine and Shinji's violin and cello duet but it's still fine with me!   
  
He relaxed and kept up with Shinji as they fell in with the thumping bass, feeling the very air vibrate with each note. The scents of excitement and perfume were in the air, along with little whoops and giggles around the music. Shinji gave in and followed Kaworu's vibe, getting more relaxed. When the main lights dropped so the laser displays could start, he stole a quick kiss from Kaworu, surprising the gray haired teenager. After a few song sets, they had to take a break to catch their breath. Adrenaline up, they could barely relax in their seats. An excited light danced in Shinji's eyes as he slid a hand across the table to touch Kaworu's.  
  
"Are you ready to go back yet?" he asked softly.  
  
Kaworu closed his eyes as he felt Shinji's fingers trace his own and slyly interlock with them. It would be cruel to make him waitHe gave him a small smile. "Yes, let's go now, Shin-chan," he said softly.  
  
Before Kaworu could even close the door all the way, Shinji closed it for him and pounced, claiming his mouth. He slid off the surprised boy's coat as he ran his hands down Kaworu's arms. Pulling back a little, Kaworu managed to get out, "Now who's frisky?"  
  
"Must've been the dancing. It gave me ideas," Shinji said in a slightly hoarse voice. They stumbled out of their shoes and socks, Shinji nuzzling at Kaworu's neck as he fumbled out of his shirt. He was getting frustrated though and Kaworu didn't want his koi to not enjoy what he'd obviously wanted to spring on him all along.  
  
"Easy now Shin-chan. I'm not going anywhere," he told Shinji in his ear. Shinji relaxed and ran a hand through Kaworu's gray hair, letting out a breath to tickle Kaworu's ear. He inhaled sharply, the hair on the back of his neck standing up. He nuzzled Shinji's mouth, letting himself be guided to the bed. Sitting down, he ran his hands through Shinji's soft dark hair and over his bare chest. I'm glad he doesn't have to live with scars like mine Shinji gasped as his fingers brushed his abdomen. "T-take 'em off," Shinji said in a breathy voice.  
  
Kaworu started to pull up his shirt but was stopped by Shinji's hands on his wrists. "Not that. The pants," Shinji said, locking onto his Angel's eyes. Grinning, Kaworu let himself be gently pushed backwards as Shinji unbuttoned his jeans and slid them and his boxers off. Shinji leaned over Kaworu and kissed him deeply before pulling away long enough to ditch his own lower body clothes. Leaning in again, he asked, "Kao-chan, can I be seme tonight?"  
  
"You're already - doing a pretty - good job of it," Kaworu panted as he felt his earlobe being tended to and a questing hand up his shirt, tracing the light scars it found. He's learned so much! Oh Kami, he knows exactly how to turn me on!   
  
A little moan escaped Kaworu as he pushed his head back against the blankets and closed his eyes. He felt for Shinji's cheek as his koibito worried at the soft skin of his throat with slightly sharp teeth. He felt Shinji pulling his hand away with an exasperated sigh.  
  
"Let me give you pleasure tonight koi, since it's your birthday and you're just really getting me off in that shirt!" Shinji said with a little laugh. Kaworu laughed as well, panting as he said, "Who am I - to say no to - such a well delivered offer?" He kept his eyes closed and felt his knees gently parted..  
  
Kaworu's birthday night was quite a mind-blowing experience, so to speak. Though every night with Shinji is an experience in and of itselfKaworu moaned and clutched the sheets as his koi found his most sensitive spots, drawing the sensations to their fullest. Attentive Shinji neglected no part of his lithe body and his mouth and hands were seeking over every inch, delighting at the expressions on Kaworu's face. And that shirt never did come off, either..  
  
*OWARI* (for chapter one)  
  
Whew! Gomen for the length & the yaoi-ness at the end. They ARE a little older now, after all. There IS a plot & a point to all this, believe me. I'll be getting to it in the next chapter. (I'm trying to give these two a HAPPIER life, you know? They were pretty beat to hell in my first fic!) 


	2. The Avenging Angel

What His Crimson Eyes Believe In2 a Kaworu & Shinji fic by AngelDragon  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own Evangelion, the lyrics from the song mentioned in ch. 1 or my two favorite bishonen (But I *do* own this fic)  
  
Warnings/Notes: Shonen-ai/yaoi here as usual. I apologize ahead of time for the length. It's like this for a reason. I do hope you keep reading? About the out of character-ness: These two aren't carbon copies of themselves at ages 15 & 14. They're a few years older now, no more battles or Evas to pilot & they've been living w/each other since then. (This is technically the *middle* of my K & S trilogy, so you might understand it a little better if you read them in order)  
  
Kaworu's getting used to living as a Lilim. (But hasn't forsaken his Angel abilities) He's exploring it, enjoying what he finds. Shinji has grown as a person too, learning how to be himself, instead of living like he has no real choices. (Pointless info: The main song I had in mind for their club dancing from chapter 1, was 'Can't Get You Out of My Head' by Kylie Minogue) And to bean, Dark Fox, Kiwi Walpole, ikari38 & Neoangel arigato for your kind reviews! Dark Hikari Kamiya, glad you found me again, too! Hope you like the fic! Oh and these: are thoughts.  
  
Chapter 2: The Avenging Angel  
  
"I'm so tired but I can't sleep.  
  
Standin' on the edge of something much too deep.  
  
It's funny how we feel so much but we cannot say a word.  
  
We are screaming inside, but we can't be heard."  
  
June, 2018  
  
(Kaworu's Diary Entries)  
  
June 6/ I've been writing in this humble book for a little while now & today I guess I'm feeling a little reflective. It's Shinji's birthday today & my koibito turns 17. We had quite a good time I think, since I'm writing this in our 'bed' & he's here beside me asleep, rather exhausted. I just *had* to repay him for the birthday surprise he gave *me* last year.  
  
I love to watch him sleep. He has such a soft, relaxed expression, even when his face is still flushed. I've turned the daemon clock radio off since there's no need to get up early tomorrow. He should sleep in. (And I hope he forgives me in the morning)  
  
There was a full moon tonight. I took advantage of it by leaving the curtains & windows open to let the moonlight & fresh air in. It usually smells of flowers instead of exhaust this time of year, thankfully. I know how much more relaxed he is when the room lights are off so I made love to him in a nest of blankets on the floor in the moonlight. So what if the neighbors in the next building got an eyeful? I think it might've loosened them up a bit!  
  
I believe it was a successful birthday present, especially since I wore his favorite shirt again which got precisely the reaction I'd hoped for.  
  
June 14/ Something interesting happened while Shinji was at school. He had cello practice today too, so he was home late. I got a call while making lunch, from a young woman who introduced herself as Yoake & told me she was the woman at the counter of the shop I'd browsed in last year. I asked her how she'd gotten my number & she admitted that she'd looked at my account slip. I asked her if there was a problem. (I was sure I had enough in my savings, thanks to Misato. I'd checked before Shinji & I'd left for our vacation) She said no, no problem, just a question.  
  
She asked if I'd gone to Isogashii Elementary School. I told her yes, for a little while. It sort of threw me for a moment, because one doesn't expect a stranger to ask such a personal question. She then asked if I'd been in Miss Yuki-sensei's class. I said yes & was just about to ask politely if there was a point to my interrogation, when she dropped a loaded statement on me: "Then you must be the ookami that Sakura-kun talked about."  
  
I think I remember having to sit down, almost dropping my sandwich. She said she was a friend of Sakura's roommate & the three of them had hung out a lot before Sakura had moved out of Tokyo-3. She asked me if she could give my mailing address to Sakura & if it was okay for her to get in touch, which I of course agreed to. I look forward to hearing from her. I guess that Seele can take me from school, but they couldn't dull the memory of my old friend. I can't wait to introduce her to Shinji!  
  
(Sometime Later That Month)  
  
"Here's some mail for you Kao-chan." Shinji picked up the contents of the box on the inside of their door and sorted it out. Slipping off his shoes in the shallow genkan, he ditched the junk mail and put Kaworu's monthly manga magazine and a letter on the corner of the desk.  
  
Kaworu was sitting in the living room at said desk as he did his online classes. Shinji flopped on the couch, hurling his backpack into a soft armchair. He must've had a bad dayKaworu turned in his chair to regard him. From what he could see, Shinji definitely had a look on his face that said, 'I'm *really* pissed and trying not to show it,' as he clicked on the TV.  
  
I'll just leave him alone for now. He'll tell me eventuallyKaworu turned his attention to the letter, unable to keep the smile from his face as he saw the return name of Wakai Sakura and quickly opened it.  
  
'Konnichi wa, ookami!  
  
Ogenki desu ka? I'm fine but I never thought I'd find you again! I practically tackled my roommate Kasumi when she told me about Yoake-kun's 'kawaii, gray haired customer' & handed me your address. I've missed you Kaworu-kun. It's been a long time. Here is my addresses & phone number. Please get in touch with me, I want to know what's happened in your life. Maybe we can have lunch sometime? Well, I hate to cut this short but I need sleep! I'm writing this *far* too late for a school night!  
  
Sayonara for now,  
  
Wakai Sakura'  
  
Folding the letter away, Kaworu gave a little laugh and turned back to Shinji. "Shin-chan, you'll never guess -" He broke off when he saw that Shinji was looking at the wall, hugging his drawn up knees. He wasn't paying any attention to the TV. Concerned, Kaworu came over to sit near the couch on the soft carpeted floor.  
  
He quietly stroked Shinji's hair, noting that he flinched when he touched him. What happened to make him afraid of me? I wasn't a rough seme this morningHis brow knit. He knew if he just lent his presence to Shinji long enough, he would open up. And after a few quiet moments he did - by crying and shaking.  
  
Ever so gently, Kaworu reached up to turn Shinji's face toward him, guiding his chin. He was shocked and heartbroken by what he saw. Shinji's left eye was bruised and swollen and his lip was cut. He took in the rest of the picture as well: Shinji's short sleeve school shirt and jeans were a little dirty, his shirt was missing a few buttons. He definitely looks roughed upKaworu wiped at his tears, careful of his eye.  
  
"My poor Shinji! We should take you to get that looked at," he said softly. Shinji screwed up his face, wincing and turning away again.  
  
"I'm fine, Kao-chan. I just want to be alone for a while. Please?" He sniffled, shaking a little and Kaworu gave him a sympathetic look he never saw. A little hurt but understanding, he got up on his knees and gave Shinji a little kiss at his temple, causing him to flinch again. Sighing, he quietly got up and sent his lesson in for the afternoon then went into their bedroom.  
  
He curled up on his side with Shinji's little Riiya plushie and a sad smile. I remember winning you for Shin-chanHe looked down at the fluffy little white wolf. Even if I *did* use my telekinesis to do it Snuggling the toy close he sniffed the soft artificial fur, picking up Shinji's light scent. Almost asleep a little later, he felt a slight weight and a warm body cuddle up behind him, then came the familiar arm to snake around his waist to link fingers with him.  
  
"Gomen nasai Kaworu. Forgive me?" Shinji asked softly in his ear. "My day was just so damn stupid!"  
  
"It's alright, you can tell me whenever you're ready," Kaworu said, giving Shinji's fingers a squeeze.  
  
"Can we just take a nap for now? I - I'll be ready later," Shinji said, snuggling as close as he could get. "Sure. I've got something to tell you, too," Kaworu yawned.  
  
After dinner they relaxed on the couch, watching TV and Kaworu told Shinji about Sakura. He was happy for him and said he thought it'd be nice to meet her. Shinji was a little fidgety as he danced around the topic of his screwed up day, but eventually he'd managed to blurt it all out in an embarrassed rush. Kaworu was stunned, listening patiently as his flustered partner told all.  
  
"And - and that's all that happened, I promise! Jeez, I wanna go hide under a rock somewhere now!" Shinji was unable to look Kaworu in the eye. Kaworu put his arms around him, nuzzling the back of his head. "I believe you Shin-chan. Don't worry, I'm sure that it'll be taken care of. So you can relax now."  
  
(Sometime Next Morning)  
  
"Who the hell are you?" A cold looking brunette boy with spiky hair turned to face the person who'd tapped him on the shoulder. He saw a gray haired boy his height with bizarre red eyes staring at him coolly.  
  
"You are the one who harassed Ikari Shinji-kun," Kaworu stated plainly, folding his arms across his chest. The boy snorted in contempt. He'd been walking to his next class when this strange kid stopped him. "So what if I did?" He leaned toward Kaworu with a smirk, raising his fist. "You got a problem with it?"  
  
Kaworu's eyes flashed with anger, narrowing as he lightly scanned the punk's mind, causing the guy to stop and stare vacantly for a moment. How DARE he! A snarl came to his lips. He just couldn't take 'no' for an answer! He finished the scan and the kid (Named Li, he'd found out) shook his head, looking around, then started at Kaworu.  
  
"What the hell did you do to me you freak?!" He swung a wild punch Kaworu dodged easily, floating a few inches above the ground. He stopped Li in mid turn with his psychic abilities, leaning in close to look the pissed off guy in his wide blue eyes.  
  
"No one can force themselves on another without their consent and expect not to suffer the consequences," Kaworu said in a low voice.  
  
Li snarled angrily. "The little slut was asking for it dammit! Walkin' around, showing off his ass in those jeans, flashing those grins! How can anybody ignore that?! So I gave him what he was too chicken shit to admit he wanted! Taught him a lesson, too!"  
  
Kaworu could barely control his anger, a light breeze generated by his own energy tossing around his gray hair. He was inches from Li, narrowing his eyes again. "Well then. How about I give you what *I* want and teach you to respect Shinji-kun?" He said this in a rather dangerous tone, causing Li's eyes to widen in fear. About fifteen minutes later he could be heard yelling at the top of his lungs all over school from a *very* interesting location..  
  
  
  
(Kaworu's Diary Entries)  
  
June 20/ Today was a very satisfying day after starting somewhat badly. Early this morning before Shinji went to school I found bruises on his arms and ribs. I asked him about them & he figured they were from when that obnoxious brat Li had beaten him the day before. His eye hadn't felt much relief from the swelling yet, either.  
  
I was, needless to say, pissed that he'd suffered such abuse. Little did I know what I'd get from Li's own mind about the situation; he'd caught Shinji alone after school, cornering him. I could tell from his mind that he'd been planning it for a while, just waiting for the right time. I also learned that Shinji'd spurned his advances for quite a while. I imagine that he'd been too embarrassed to tell me. (I can definitely forgive him that. I've been guilty of keeping secrets myself)  
  
He had come very close to being raped fully by this kid, only the fear of being seen had kept Li from it. Instead, he'd beaten Shinji after he had fought his rough groping, then Shinji had been crudely (ahem) 'jerked off' by him. Shinji was so ashamed by it that he'd almost not told me. (This was what had made him flinch when I'd merely tried to comfort him) I understand though, I don't know that I'd be too eager to relive such things just so I could tell someone else.  
  
But I believe that I fixed things as best as I could today. I don't think he'll be bothering Shinji anymore.  
  
(Later That Day)  
  
"Wow, you'll never believe what happened today Kao-chan!" Shinji came into the living room, dropping his pack in a chair. Kaworu looked up from cleaning and tuning his violin at the coffee table to flash Shinji a smile. "Hmm, let me guess.. Someone's dirty laundry got aired?" he asked innocently. Shinji's eyes widened at Kaworu's statement. "Something like that. How'd you know?"  
  
"Just a lucky guess. But do tell, Shinji." Kaworu put his instrument aside to give him his undivided attention.  
  
Shinji raised a brow. "Okay, I will. You know that - jerk - that beat me up yesterday? Seems someone strung him up the flagpole by his boxers. He was yelling for help for an hour before they managed to get him down." He grinned happily. "But not before they got a picture of him for the school paper! I can see the headline: 'Jock Gets Jacked By His Jockeys.'" He giggled as he went to the kitchen for a drink.  
  
"Glad to see you had a good day then. I doubt you'll have a problem with Li anymore?" Kaworu called. If he even goes back to school, that is He giggled aloud at that.  
  
"Wait a minute - how do you know his name?" Shinji came back with an ice pack and a juice box. He parked it in the armchair, relaxing with the pack gingerly over his eye. "Don't tell me - Oh Kami, you had something to do with it?"  
  
"Yes I did. Gomen Shin-chan but I couldn't let what happened to you go unpunished. Can you forgive my temper?" Kaworu asked, a little slyly. So I'm protective of him. I love my koibito, I can't help it  
  
"Kaworu.. That was pretty risky, ne?" Shinji sighed as he sipped his juice. "What if someone saw you? Not that I'm complaining though!"  
  
"Don't worry Shinji, no one saw me. I just thought I should make an example of him, that's all." Kaworu finished with his violin then came over to kneel at Shinji's feet, resting his folded arms across Shinji's knees. He set his chin on them and stared up at Shinji who turned the TV to his favorite anime show. "Are you upset with me? You know I'd never reveal myself unless there was a good reason, I promised you and Misato I wouldn't."  
  
Shinji looked down into Kaworu's eyes as he adjusted the ice pack. "I'm not mad at you, I just wish you wouldn't put yourself at risk so much." He offered Kaworu a sip from the box's little straw. "I don't want anyone to try and dissect you or anything, you're the only person I'm really attached to, you know?"  
  
"That I *do* know. But you're the only one I'd be reckless over, if it meant I could make you happy and keep you safe. I'll be more discreet about it in the future though," Kaworu told him, enjoying the sweetness of the juice as he sipped the offered straw again.  
  
(Kaworu's Diary Entries)  
  
July 1/ I've been very happy over the past few days, on the phone with Sakura trying to arrange a date to get together but we've both been pretty busy. Her tests are this week so she's studying quite a bit. Plus, poor Shinji came home from school sick yesterday & I've been up all night nursing him through it. It seems he got food poisoning, his school nurse had told him. I hate seeing him in pain. He can hardly keep anything down but I'm trying to make sure he drinks enough and rests - in between his bathroom sprints.  
  
July 16/ Shinji's feeling much better today & he's going back to school. He thinks I should take it easy since I've been putting up with his body betraying him over the past couple weeks. Taking care of him doesn't bother me. I actually enjoy it, though I wish it'd been under different circumstances. (Listening to your koi being violently ill every few hours sort of kills the warm & fuzzy feelings of nurturing you'd had for him moments before his two meter dash to the bathroom)  
  
But I have a surprise I'm working on that I'm sure will put a smile on his face. I shared it only with Misato, who was a tad stunned but got behind it with me. She's happy for me and excited, too. She even helped me set it all up, since I had no idea how, I just knew it was what I wanted to do. It felt right. I can't wait to see his face!  
  
July 25/ I've been e-mailing Sakura a bit. She's not sure if she'll pass, because she pulled many all-nighters with her friends where the main thing studied was the TV screen while they played video games. I told her she was paranoid, but she came back with, 'I'll believe it when I see it'. Shinji had a school concert tonight & I managed to get Misato to go with me to it. She told me I was lucky she could get tonight off at such short notice. (She's normally busy with her new position in the Neo Japan Department of Defense) I told her it would be a nice surprise for Shinji, who was worried about playing in public. I still remember our duet a few years ago when I was recovering from my injuries. He plays so well!  
  
He just doesn't have any faith in himself. It was an excellent concert. They even played my favorite Beethoven! I made it up to Shin-chan later after the three of us went out to Misato's favorite restaurant. I got quite a smile out of him when I suggested in his ear that we go home & 'tune our instruments.'  
  
August 5/ I finally sprang the surprise I've been working on all year on Shinji. (And I thank generous, patient Misato for helping me) Dinner went very well. (I wore his shirt again & I *know* it turns him on) But then I got to the point - and got down on one knee to propose to the one who taught me about love.  
  
His face.. It was so rewarding I almost couldn't believe it. I actually made him cry, but I knew it was a 'yes' in his mind. He was speechless. The kiss he gave me.. It felt like our minds were one again, like he'd put his very soul into it..  
  
His hand had shook almost as bad as mine when I slid the diamond engagement ring on his finger. It was all I could do to hold him close and cry with him. Crying is such hypocrisy. How can happiness cause the same reaction as sadness? Does pleasure share the same edge of the blade of life as pain? All I know for sure is that tonight I held the one I was destined to be with in my arms & showed him how much I loved & wanted him.  
  
Shinji is stronger than he knows but his heart is fragile, like glass. He needs to be shown that he's not just one of the millions of other Lilim. There's no one else like Shinji, in my opinion & there could never be another in my life. I look forward to our future together. I'm not sure when we should have the ceremony but I'd like to make it special, maybe an old Shinto-style one? I've always loved the old Japanese-style clothes & rituals. Very relaxing & balancing of the soul, I think.  
  
(Sometime Later That Month)  
  
"Heh heh.. Heh heh heh.. Shin-chan, that tickles! C'mon, we're going to be late. I told Sakura we'd meet her at the dragon statue in the park at noon." Kaworu wriggled free of Shinji's busy fingers. He was standing at the full-length mirror on the back of their bedroom door, trying to tuck his long sleeve shirt in. Shinji was standing behind him with his head resting on Kaworu's shoulder, trying to go after his ribs under the shirt.  
  
"Can't help it, I'm feeling very genki today. I've wanted to meet your friend for a while now." Shinji grinned as he looked at their reflections in the mirror. "And I'm excited about this!" He showed off his ringed left hand, bringing it up to pull back some of Kaworu's soft gray bangs. He kissed the bared temple, feeling the light pulse through his lips. I still can't believe this is all real. But I'm so glad it is!   
  
"As tempting as this is koi, I need to finish getting dressed." Kaworu turned his head to catch Shinji's mouth with his own for a moment, then gently backed away a bit. "We can play later though." He's still as playful as a child. When he lets himself be He grinned at Shinji who shrugged. "No problem, I'll be out in the kitchen." Kaworu watched him leave and giggled. He really does have a nice butt. Jeans compliment it well He yawned, still tired for some reason.  
  
Soon the couple was siting on a granite bench in the almost non-existent shadow of the sizable Asian dragon statue. They split a *real* can of soda this time, people watching to pass the time. A girl with long black hair started to walk by then halted in mid-stride. She came over and looked right at Kaworu with a beaming smile.  
  
"Ookami? Kaworu-kun? It *has* to be you! I've never seen anyone else with gray hair!" she said in an excited, forceful voice. Shinji was startled by her boldness, hesitating as Kaworu stood to smile at the young woman, giving her a friendly hug. He quietly watched the scene play out, standing a little off to the side. "You've certainly grown up a lot, Sakura-kun. You look well." Kaworu observed the more mature features of his childhood friend, causing Sakura to blush at his compliment.  
  
"Ookami, is that a come on? A girl usually wants a date first!" Kaworu laughed and Shinji raised a brow. Boy, is she clueless! Kaworu reached over to pull Shinji in front of him. "I'd like you to meet Ikari Shinji- kun. Shinji-kun, this rather forward young woman is my old friend Wakai Sakura." He patted Shinji's shoulder. Shinji grinned nervously. "K - konnichi wa, Wakai-san."  
  
Sakura gave him a skeptical look up and down, then smiled at him. "Nice to meet you, Ikari-san. Ookami's told me a lot about you." She always was a no-nonsense girl, so Kaworu wasn't surprised when she said, "You know, my roommate Kasumi would like you. Interested in a blind date?" Kaworu grinned as Shinji got a 'deer in the headlights' look on his face.  
  
"Sakura-kun, I meant to tell you but I thought it'd be best to do it face to face." Kaworu took a deep breath. "I'm already spoken for and so is Shinji-kun."  
  
Sakura frowned, folding her arms across her chest. "Well hell! Both of you have girlfriends?! I'm so jealous now! I guess I waited too long." She snorted. "Of course, it's not like I could *find* you or anything. Should've known you'd be snatched up." Kaworu shook his gray head, keeping a grip on Shinji's shoulders. "Sakura-kun, that's not what I meant."  
  
"Well, what else could you possibly mean? Oh.." She brought a hand up to her mouth, eyes widening. "Oh my.."  
  
"Yes. I'm gay, Sakura-kun." Kaworu knit his brow. "I hope - I hope that this doesn't mean we're not friends anymore?" She was speechless for a moment. "Well - What's *his* excuse?!" She gestured to Shinji who cringed at the fiery look in her eyes. She was desperate to find a way out of her embarrassment at not knowing better.  
  
Kaworu reached down to catch Shinji's left hand, bringing it up to show her. She was shaking her head in denial as she spied the ring. "Shinji-kun and I are engaged," he said softly with a proud smile. "Gomen nasai, Sakura, I really am. I was hoping you'd be happy for me."  
  
Sakura was on the verge of tears, clenching her fists as she shook. Suddenly, she screwed up her face, wiped her eyes - then hauled off and bitch-slapped Shinji with enough force to turn his head. Both boys were stunned. Shinji's eyes were wide as he reached up to touch his stinging cheek. Kaworu held him close, looking at Sakura with a confused frown.  
  
"Why did you hurt Shinji? I would think that *I'd* be the one you'd want to hit, Sakura-kun," Kaworu said softly. He looked at Shinji's face when he turned around, seeing the frightened look he had. He could also see the welt on his cheek starting to show up. Shinji buried his head against Kaworu's neck as Kaworu stroked his dark hair to soothe his jangled nerves. Sakura's face was flushed with emotion, looking at the hand she'd slapped Shinji with, then at Kaworu, puzzled as she hugged herself, trying to ignore the offending hand somehow.  
  
"G - gomen nasai! Kaworu-kun, I - Ikari - san, gomen nasai.." She sniffled a bit, wiping at her eyes, oblivious to their surroundings. "I guess - I was so jealous, when I saw that ring and - and how happy you looked.. I just - snapped. I hadn't seen you for so long and I felt like - like I'd lost you again somehow. I know it sounds stupid."  
  
Kaworu gave her an understanding smile. "No it doesn't. I really should've told you sooner, but I wanted to share this special occasion, too." Still holding Shinji, he reached out a hand to her. "Onegai.. Can we still be friends? You, Shinji and our friend Misato are the only close friends I have. I don't want to lose any of you."  
  
Sakura gave him a small smile, taking the offered hand. "Of course. Nothing you could do or say would ever change my mind about that!" She offered her other hand to Shinji who shied a bit, looking at her questioningly. "I'd like to be your friend, too, Ikari-san. If you'll have me?" It was Shinji's turn to be skeptical but he saw she was sincere about it and repentant about scaring the hell out of him. He warily took her hand, smiling slightly. She's still scary. I'd hate to piss her off! Oh well. Anyone Kaworu vouches for is a friend of mine  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Kaworu felt pretty tired the next morning. He didn't understand why, he'd had enough sleep, as far as he could remember. He cuddled close to Shinji, groaning in his sleep. Shinji turned to face him, running a sleepy hand through his gray hair, brushing his lips lightly with his own.  
  
"Mornin'.." He softly kissed his nose. Kaworu felt Shinji's hot breath on his face as he put light kisses over his eyelids. "Time to get up, sleepyhead." Kaworu just snuggled up more, saying, "Uh uh," as he pushed his head under Shinji's chin.  
  
"Suit yourself. 'M gonna go make breakfast." Shinji yawned and kissed the fluffy gray head, deftly avoiding the questing fingers. The gray head made a disappointed noise and retreated further under the warm comforter. Shinji smiled, rubbing his eyes as he slid out of bed, feeling for his pajama pants. He stretched and went to crack the blinds behind the curtains to let a little diffused light in. Blinking at the sudden brightness, he wandered into the kitchen, scratching at his bare back.  
  
Soon he had toast; bacon, fruit and juice, all set up at the small table. Hmm. He should've been up by now He went back into the bedroom to try again to wake his sleeping beauty. "C'mon Kao-chan! Come eat, it's gonna get cold." He pulled the covers back to tickle. Kaworu giggled, squirming and stretching like a cat then caught Shinji's thin wrists.  
  
"Okay, okay! 'M awake, Shin-chan!" He sat up and slid on his pjs, blinking as he stood up. He felt a little dizzy. "Must've gotten up too fast." He took a couple steps before his ankles gave out. Startled, he leaned towards the bed, managing to sit down heavily as Shinji scrambled over to him to catch his shoulders. "Kaworu! What happened?"  
  
"I'm not sure. My feet feel kind of numb, like pins and needles." Kaworu looked at Shinji as he scooted up farther on the bed. "Maybe you just pinched a nerve while you slept?" Shinji suggested. "You should just stay put and give yourself time to wake up. I'll bring breakfast to you." Kaworu started to protest that he could take care of himself just fine, but Shinji gave him a quick peck on the cheek and was off before he could get it out coherently.  
  
When, by lunchtime, Kaworu still hadn't been able to get around without Shinji, they knew it was time to get some help. "I'll call Misato, she'll know something, I'm sure," Shinji said as he gathered some clothes for the two of them, tossing Kaworu his while quickly hopping into a pair of jeans and impatiently yanking a T-shirt over his head.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
"Wait, hold on Shinji! What's the matter?" Misato asked into the phone. She was sitting at her desk, filling out paperwork in her office. Those two are impossible! Thought they'd mature a little with age "Okay, nani? Kaworu's got a problem?"  
  
"Yeah," Shinji said, going on to explain. "So, what can we do? I can't just take him to an emergency room, you know? I'm really worried!"  
  
Misato sighed, adjusting her phone headset as she sat back in her chair. "Lemme think a moment.." Pinching the bridge of her nose and folding her arms close to her obvious cleavage, she closed her eyes. Alright Katsuragi, think! Where can I send a broken Angel to get fixed?   
  
"Hey, Shinji? I think I've got it." She took out her planner and flipped through it. "Write this down." She gave him the name and info. "This guy was one of the consultants on the Eva project. He knows when and how to keep his mouth shut. He's still a practicing doc though, so he should be able to help Kaworu."  
  
"Thanks Misato. For everything.." Shinji ran a hand through his hair as he fidgeted in his chair. She's done so much for us already. We wouldn't even be here today if she hadn't so understood about Kaworu's relationship with me  
  
"No problem. I've got a mountain of papers to crack a whip over, so call me later and let me know what's going on, okay?" Misato asked. "Sure. Bye now." Shinji hung up the phone and went to pitch Misato's idea to Kaworu.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
Soon, Shinji supported Kaworu as they went to the car and were on their way to the office of Misato's connection. Shinji said they were lucky to get an appointment on short notice, but he'd dropped Misato's name to get it done. It was a bit of a drive, almost to the rural section of Tokyo-3. Not five minutes after they had signed Kaworu in, the doctor himself came out to usher them in, asking if Kaworu needed any assistance but Shinji assured him that he could handle it. He really wasn't crazy about medical people touching his koibito.  
  
He helped Kaworu up onto the exam table and sat (more like perched) in the spare chair as the doctor took Kaworu's vitals.  
  
"Well now.." He looked down at Kaworu's chart. "Nagisa-san, I'm Dr. Yukito. What seems to be the problem?" He swiftly went over it with him, Kaworu quietly answering and obediently turning this way or that when asked to. He winced when the doctor drew a few vials of blood, but was otherwise rather quiet, which puzzled Shinji. Though I don't blame him. I hate needles too  
  
"Alright Nagisa-san, one last test for now. I'll need you to take off your shoes and socks so I can see how far the numbness ranges." Dr. Yukito scribbled down Kaworu's information. Kami-sama, I hope he doesn't ask me for samples of anything else! Kaworu sent Shinji a reassuring look. It's okay koihe thought-spoke to him. Shinji's eyes widened but he nodded in return that he'd heard him. They hadn't thought-spoke in front of others in a long time; it was normally too private.  
  
The doctor took out a sterile needle, holding Kaworu's feet, one at a time, touching the point to various spots on them, asking Kaworu to tell him if he could feel it or not. At the end of the test, he told them, "Well, the numbness stops a bit above the ankle on both feet. Can you move your toes or turn your feet?" Kaworu awkwardly wriggled his toes, twitching his feet a little. "It feels odd, like - like they're not quite attached or something like that."  
  
"Don't worry, Nagisa-san. Go home and rest, I'll see that these are tested - Long-ranging tests, if you know what I mean. I'll get back to you and tell Ms. Katsuragi-san hello. I'll do what needs to be done for you." Dr. Yukito tapped the little vials of Kaworu's blood.  
  
"Hai. Thank you, sensei, I will." Kaworu looked uneasily at them. Blood doesn't lie, I suppose. But time will also tell  
  
(A Few Days Later)  
  
"Moshi moshi.. Oh, hello again sensei.. No, it's okay, I was just taking a nap," Kaworu said into the phone. Shinji had woken him because Dr. Yukito had called with his test results. He gave him some privacy, going out into the living room to read. "So, do you know what's wrong? I - I see. So you've talked with Misato-san? Thank you for your help, sensei.. No, the numbness is gone but it still tingles a little.. Yes, I guess that'll be alright. I'll keep the appointment, I promise. Good bye." He turned off the phone and sat there in bed, a few tears escaping his eyes.  
  
A little while later, Shinji tentatively came into their room. Kaworu was lying down again but Shinji could see his shoulders shaking under the blanket. He slid under the covers to cuddle up, putting an arm around Kaworu to just quietly hold him as he cried it out. When he'd calmed down a bit, Shinji asked softly, "Do you want to talk about it?"  
  
Kaworu sniffled, wiping his eyes as he turned to face him. "Yes. I should, shouldn't I? Sensei told me he talked to Misato about - who I was. He found some sort of cell-damaging chemical in my blood. He thinks that may be what's going on, but he wants to do more specific tests and.. A more complete physical." He sniffled again. "I hate this, Shinji! I thought I was through with being poked and prodded by doctors forever!"  
  
Shinji stoked his gray hair. " Don't worry, I'll be there with you. We'll get through this together." The pair cuddled close as they fell asleep together with their fingers intertwined.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
Well, how was it? Hope you all enjoyed it & I'll try and post the next part soon. Ja ne, minnasan! 


	3. Tumbling Down

"What His Crimson Eyes Believe In3" an Eva fic by AngelDragon  
  
Hmm, well, it's been a while, ne? Profusely sorry all, really I am, for not updating this fic.. But I have found a little solution to my idiotic pc problem for now, so this'll work, I suppose. Many thanks to any and all who've read this and kept track, thanks much to May, Koneko and Kiwi-san for kicking me in the ass enough to keep after this ^^  
  
Okay, the usual warnings apply: this is rated R for a reason, since it deals with shonen-ai/yaoi, language and such, so you've been warned.. Can't think of much else to say here, since I've been away from my serious stuff for a while, except I hope you enjoy and sorry for the length of the chapters.. Oh, these: blah are thoughts, just so you know. And as usual, I don't own Eva, but this fic is mine..  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
Chapter 3: Tumbling Down  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
I'm so afraid to love you, but more afraid to lose.  
  
Clinging to a past that doesn't let me choose.  
  
Once there was a darkness, deep and endless night.  
  
You gave me everything you had, oh you gave me light.  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
January, 2019  
  
(Kaworu's Diary Entries)  
  
January 2/ Oh kami.. It's been almost four months since I first saw Dr. Yukito. I've been numb and sick with fevers off and on since then. He thinks he's figured it out now, thanks to what I could tell him I remembered and Misato to back me up. I wish Shinji and I had gone somewhere like we did a couple years or so ago. It felt good to surf the waves and relax with Shinji. I miss that. I hadn't felt very well, so we just couldn't go last year. We'd planned on going to Oahu, Hawaii in America. I'd always wanted to try the Banzai Pipeline. We got Christmas presents from Misato and Sakura. I think Shinji got some books he'd wanted and an anime poster from that cute little show that he likes. The one with the little white wolf Riiya. I watch the old DVDs with him sometimes. I got him some new music for his little player. I got some more manga novels, a stoneware mug with wolves painted in silver on it and Shinji got me a book of sheet music that had a lot of the older classical music in it along with a few newer songs. I had no idea you could play rock music on strings. Violin strings, anyway.  
  
When I felt better I'd go sit in the living room after I did my homework and play. Sometimes Shin-chan would play with me. (and I know that could be taken a few different ways) Poor Shin-chan. He was invited to a New Year's party by some American transfer-student friends of his. But I couldn't keep much down yesterday and he'd decided to stay home and take care of me. He's so sweet. I feel bad that he's not going out after school much. I'm writing this in bed now. Shinji's bringing me some hot green tea and soup. He said that hot things are good for you when you're sick. I hope so. My head's kind of spinning and I have to breathe through my mouth. I hate this!  
  
January 8/ Today. Today was the day Dr. Yukito told me what all those damn needles and embarrassing prodding tests found. It took him quite a while. He wanted to be absolutely sure he'd gotten it right. I had to go in to see him and Shin-chan had to help me a little. I had some trouble walking. It was so embarrassing, but I had to do it. I wanted to know. I think Shinji and I were both stunned.  
  
From what he could gather, sensei said that there was a sort of reverse gene therapy going on inside me. There aren't any records left on what Seele did or how they made me or what they did to me, specifically. Ayanami/Yui-kun saw to that when she got rid of a few other things as well. But sensei says it was produced by my own system and it's not something I caught somewhere. Poor Shinji thought he'd given it to me. (I don't know why. We'd never had sex with anyone other than each other. And this definitely wasn't a flu or something like that, either)  
  
It's not very promising I guess. Sensei wants to start me on an experimental treatment to try and stop it. That means more needles and maybe even a stay in the hospital. I don't want that. I'll admit that I'm afraid. Even after all the things I fought against and won, I can still feel fear. I thought that when Seele was.. dealt with and all, that I was free. That I could finally start living like the Angel of Free Will that I am. I should have known better. I have eaten from the Tree of Knowledge and I can't close my eyes anymore..  
  
(Sometime Later That Month)  
  
"Hey Kao-chan. I got an e-mail from Misato. She wants to know how you're doing," Shinji called from his seat at their computer in the living room.  
  
Kaworu shuffled up the hall into the kitchen in his pjs and slippers. He looks so groggy Shinji thought as he caught a glimpse of Kaworu before he'd been hidden by the cabinets and counter. He heard the fridge being opened and liquid being poured into a glass then a cough as Kaworu came into the living room to sit on the couch.  
  
"What should I tell her?" Shinji asked.  
  
Kaworu sniffled and clicked on the TV as he took a sip of orange juice. "Tell her the truth. I feel like hell. I'm either in various degrees of pain or parts of me go numb for Kami-knows how long. My head feels like I've got cotton shoved into every available sinus cavity. And my digestive system continues to betray me in both directions at various times of the day."  
  
Shinji looked at his koi with concern. He had his legs drawn up and had pulled the throw blanket over him while he channel surfed with a dull look. This isn't like him. I'm not sure what to say now "Umm.. I'll just tell her you're still not feeling any better." His delicate fingers quickly tapped out his response to their sort-of guardian.  
  
"You didn't go to school today," Kaworu stated as he drank more of his juice.  
  
"I know. I.. Just felt like staying home today. That's all," Shinji replied. Kaworu turned his scruffy gray head to stare at him.  
  
"Shin-chan. I'll still be here when you come home, you know." He sighed. "You should keep going. You've already been absent most of this week. Your teachers will start to call you a delinquent or something."  
  
"So let them. I'll go tomorrow. Today I want to stay with you." Shinji sent his mail and logged off then sat on the couch with Kaworu. "How about I rent us some movies? I know we can't go out to one yet.."  
  
"That sounds fine. I'll keep the couch warm for you," Kaworu told him. Shinji got up and pulled on his jacket and took the keys from the hook by the kitchen.  
  
"Are you sure you'll be okay?" he asked as he came over to Kaworu with a doubting look. Kaworu gave him a small grin and sigh. "I'll be fine. Go rent something good," he said as Shinji leaned in for a little kiss.  
  
Soon they were splitting a bowl of popcorn on the couch as they watched one of their favorite sci-fi DVDs. By the time the popcorn was mostly gone, they were on their next one. Shinji was sitting so that Kaworu's legs were across his lap and he was gently rubbing his feet to help him get the feeling back in them. Before bedtime though, he was losing his light dinner and was shaking from the effort of it. Shinji thought a nice hot soak would help so he drew Kaworu a bath and got in with him to relax, after they scrubbed off. Afterwards they went to sleep fairly easily since poor Kaworu was tired most of the time anyway.  
  
(Sometime in February)  
  
In the middle of the night, Shinji was awoken by Kaworu's pained coughing. He sat up and turned on the bedside lamp.  
  
"Kao-chan are you alright?" he asked. Kaworu hacked deeply as he pulled himself up into a sitting position and kept his mouth covered.  
  
Shinji put a gentle hand on Kaworu's shoulder while his koi grabbed a tissue. He heard him groan after he wiped his mouth and Kaworu turned to him with pain and fear in his eyes. "Shin-chan.." he said softly. Shinji could see that he had coughed up blood. His eyes widened and his pulse quickened. "W-we have to get you to the hospital! Now!"  
  
"I.. I can't, Shin-chan. You know why.." Kaworu said wearily.  
  
"I'll call Dr. Yukito. He'll know where I can take you. No one will find out about you, don't worry!" Shinji quickly got to the phone and dialed the emergency number the doctor had given him.  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
"Uhh.. Itai! This hurts, Shinji-kun!" Kaworu moaned while he held his stomach while sitting in the wheelchair. A nurse was wheeling Kaworu back to a triage room while Shinji trailed along beside. Dr. Yukito and a couple of his assistant nurses met the couple at a hospital that practiced good privacy policies and managed to keep Kaworu's secrets from them.  
  
"I know Kaworu-kun. I'll stay here with you," Shinji said as he tried to keep out of their way. Standing to the side he watched the doctor and his nurses check Kaworu over after hustling him into a bed. They stripped his pajama top from him and asked all sorts of questions and Shinji winced when the doctor pressed on his koi's sensitive tummy and caused Kaworu to cry out in pain. A few seconds later while they were hooking up an I.V port in his arm, Kaworu sat up coughing wetly so hard he ended up trying to throw up but there wasn't anything in his stomach.  
  
A nurse gently pushed him back to the bed and wiped the blood from around his mouth. He was breathing hard and Shinji could see a few tears slip from the corners of Kaworu's tightly closed eyes.  
  
"What - is - this?!" Kaworu panted. He felt his vitals being taken and orders for various medical things were batted back and forth over his supine form.  
  
"Nagisa-san, try to relax. We're doing everything we can to find out now. Shuichi-san why don't you take Ikari-san to the private waiting room and ask him some questions?" Kaworu heard Dr. Yukito's soothing voice say. He groaned and turned away from the latex gloved hand that was trying to hold his chin to look at his eyes and force open his mouth. "Don't go.." he called to Shinji as the hand caught him again and swabbed the inside of his mouth. He gagged a little when the offending swab hit the back of his throat.  
  
"I'll be right back, Kaworu-kun. I promise," he heard Shinji say and heard the shuffling of feet and clothes that marked Shinji and the nurse's departure. He winced as they drew more blood from him.  
  
Shinji anxiously answered Shuichi's questions and paced around after the nurse had left to report back to Dr. Yukito. Kami, this is taking forever! A little while later the doctor himself came in to talk to him about Kaworu.  
  
"Ikari-san I'll be honest with you. He should've been admitted sooner."  
  
"I know sensei. But.. He hates hospitals and things like that," Shinji explained. "He thought that just going to your office for the treatments would be enough."  
  
"I understand that Ikari-san. You've both had your share of stays in them, haven't you? Misato-san tells me that you almost lost him in your last battle," Dr. Yukito said as he flipped through Kaworu's chart.  
  
"Yeah. He was badly hurt and in a coma for a while," Shinji said softly as he hugged himself and looked down at his sneakers.  
  
"Well, he's starting to become dehydrated. And the damage is beginning to affect his lungs."  
  
"What about the, um, the blood?" Shinji asked warily. Do I want to know?  
  
"Well, that's partly the lungs and also because of acid damage from the vomiting. That's also why his stomach is hurting him. Plus his muscles just aren't getting much of a break from it all."  
  
"So.. What happens now sensei?" Shinji asked. He sat heavily in a chair with his head resting on his folded arms across his knees. I'll just start losing it anytime now..  
  
"He needs to be admitted tonight for observation Ikari-san. He can go home tomorrow night but I want to get some fluids back into him intravenously and get his system to settle down a bit, alright?"  
  
"Um, okay. C-can I see him now?" Shinji asked.  
  
Dr. Yukito led the way back to Kaworu's bed and Shinji saw him sitting propped up with a pillow and looking upset. He was rubbing his arm around the I.V port and making a face.  
  
"I gave him a slight painkiller, Ikari-san. How are you feeling now, Nagisa-san?" Dr. Yukito asked.  
  
"It still hurts a little," Kaworu said softly as he held his stomach again. "Can I go home now? I'm beat."  
  
Dr. Yukito told Kaworu about staying overnight and Kaworu's red eyes widened as he practically yelled, "NO! No more needles!" He started to cough as he panted from being anxious. "I - want - to go - home - now! Please - don't - make me - stay!" He pleaded with Shinji and the doctor and started to try and get up but couldn't muster the strength. He sank back against the pillows and groaned. "Dammit!"  
  
Shinji drew the blanket up to Kaworu's shoulders as Dr. Yukito carefully injected something into Kaworu's I.V.  
  
"What's that?" Shinji asked him.  
  
"Just a mild sedative to help him relax. You can come up with him to his room. I've already got him all set," the doctor replied. "But you can't stay the night I'm afraid."  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
"But, Shin-chan.. Please stay with me," Kaworu said softly. He was lying in his hospital bed in his quiet, private room and was slowly succumbing to the sedative. Dr. Yukito and Shuichi were waiting in the hall so Shinji and Kaworu could say goodnight. Kaworu's gentle crimson eyes were half-closed and he yawned as Shinji stood by his bedside and stroked his soft gray hair.  
  
"I can't tonight Kao-chan. Gomenasai koibito," Shinji said as he sniffled and wiped at his eyes. "But I'm sure you'll be okay. It's only for one night."  
  
"I don't want to be alone.. We haven't slept apart for such a long time..," Kaworu said sleepily. I feel so floaty right now. An' tired..  
  
"I know. It'll be alright though. I-I don't like this either. But I'll be back to take you home tomorrow, okay?" Shiji said. He bent down to brush gray bangs aside to plant a light kiss on Kaworu's forehead. He stroked his pale cheek and sniffled again.  
  
"Okay Shin-chan.. I'm so tired.." Kaworu said as he nuzzled Shinji's hand weakly.  
  
"Then rest. Use tonight to recover and relax. Oyasuminasai Kao-chan." He kissed the soft cheek, too afraid to hug him for fear of causing any more pain. "Ai suru. Itsumo.."  
  
"O-oyasumi.. Shin-chan. I-I love you too.." Kaworu said as his eyes slammed shut. Shinji gently squeezed Kaworu's hand then left, too upset to look back.  
  
Dr. Yukito and Shuichi bid Shinji goodnight and told him when visiting hours were, then went into Kaworu's room for a final check to make sure everything was dripping right and that Kaworu was warm and comfy.  
  
"Wan'.. Shin-chan.." Kaworu mumbled as he turned on his side with a groan.  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
Shinji went home and slumped into the armchair in the living room. Thinking about Kaworu, all alone in a place he hated, the events from a few years ago came back to him in a rush and he just started crying. He sat there for quite a while, he had no idea what time it was when he finally calmed down enough to call Misato. In between sobs, he told her what'd happened.  
  
"Oh Shinji.. I-I'm so sorry," she said into the phone. Shinji's call had woken her and she was sitting up in bed, half-awake. "Look, I'm sure he'll be fine." Yeah, that was sure convincing  
  
"I'm gonna lo-lose him, Mi-Misato!" Shinji said, his voice hitching. "W- what'm I gonna - do now?! I ca-an't even help h-im!"  
  
Misato sighed, running a hand over her face. What do I say to him? He was such a wreck the last time "Listen to me Shinji. You're going to go lay down and get some sleep. You're in no condition to think about this now, okay?" She heard the distraught boy sniffle and groan.  
  
"You're - you're right Misato. G-gomenasai for waking you," Shinji said, sniffling. "Oyasumi."  
  
"Oyasumi, Shinji. Go to sleep now and call me tomorrow if you need to talk or anything, okay?" Misato asked him.  
  
"Sure. I'll try," Shinji said softly. "Bye.." He hung up and went into the bedroom. He shucked off his clothes and shoes in a daze then crawled under the covers after clicking off the lamp. He rolled onto his side and cuddled Kaworu's pillow to him, crying himself to sleep as he pretended to hold his koibito.  
  
While Shinji slept, his Kaworu dreamt. Or at least what he thought was a dream. There was darkness again, which made him afraid that he was in the void again. No warmth, no Shinji, no light. That was hell to him. But then he saw stars overhead and looked down to see the flat roof of a large building below him. Why am I dreaming this? It's not the same as before He was even still in his pjs.  
  
"You're not in a dream. You're projecting your spiritual self," came a soft, almost monotone voice off to his right. He turned sharply to regard it. Floating in mid-air was Rei Ayanami in her school uniform, looking at him curiously. "Konnichi wa, Nagisa-kun. Or should I say Tabris-kun?"  
  
"I am both, Ayanami/Yui-kun. What are you doing here?" he asked her as he 'sat' in mid-air. "And why am I doing this?"  
  
"I was on this plane of existence and felt a strong AT field. You're the only Tenshi left, so I came to see what was wrong." She cocked her pale blue head to the side. "As for why you're projecting, it must be an unconscious desire to leave where you are. Are things not going well for you and Ikari-kun?"  
  
Kaworu looked away from her direct gaze. "No.. I'm afraid not." He filled her in and she listened intently. When he was finished, he was aware of the fact that he was crying, even in this ghostly form. "So now you see."  
  
She was quiet for a moment, looking off to the tall, partly lit buildings in the distance. "Yes, I see. I feel for you, Nagisa-kun. Yui-san is concerned for Ikari-kun's safety. Let's go see him," she said quietly, before sailing off. Kaworu sighed and followed her. Maybe that's why I projected, to go back home to Shinji  
  
They found themselves in the darkened bedroom, floating over the floor, their bodies glowing slightly with a pale light. They were watching Shinji sleep, fitfully twitching in his slumber and making distressed noises.  
  
"He's very upset. But Yui-san knows that it's because he loves you that he allows himself to be tortured so much," Ayanami said, floating closer to the bed.  
  
Kaworu felt a pang of guilt as he approached Shinji. He gently stroked a cheek, noting that Shinji relaxed slightly, almost as if he'd felt his touch. Encouraged, Kaworu moved to 'sit' beside him and stroked his head, watching him continue to calm down. Closing his astral eyes, Kaworu relaxed as well and began to quietly hum as he comforted his koi. Soon, Shinji's breathing settled as he fell into deep sleep and Kaworu ceased his song and bent down to brush phantom lips against Shinji's quiet ones.  
  
"Gomenasai, Shin-chan," he whispered. "Oyasumi." He reluctantly turned to Ayanami, who smiled slightly. "Yui-san is happier now. We can go now, Nagisa-kun," she said softly.  
  
They returned to the hospital and were now in Kaworu's room, watching his body sleep. He was a little stunned. This feels very weird. I'm standing outside of myself Ayanami drifted closer to him. "You should go back to sleep now, Nagisa-kun. He'll be alright now," she said.  
  
"But how? I'm not even sure how I did this in the first place," Kaworu said. What if I can't - fix it?  
  
"Relax your AT field. You project yourself with it. It's another form of defense, under stressful conditions," Ayanami said calmly, gesturing to Kaworu's unconscious form. "Obviously, this is a stressful condition, ne?"  
  
Kaworu smiled sadly as he said, "You're right. And if I didn't know better, I'd almost say you were developing a sense of humor, Ayanami/Yui- kun."  
  
"Another new experience in my new life, Nagisa-kun," Ayanami said with a slight smile. "Rest now. Ikari-kun wants you to get better." Kaworu nodded and said goodnight as he closed his eyes and relaxed completely, falling back into himself to sleep, deeply and with pleasant dreams, just like Shinji.  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
(Kaworu's Diary Entries)  
  
March 13/ It was a little cool this morning and I was feeling a little better today. Shinji and I went to the park since we hadn't been able to go outside together for a while. He insisted I bundle up a little so I wouldn't get worse. He's been pretty protective of me lately. I think I scared him when I had to go for that night in the hospital last month. Sakura was rather upset when I e-mailed her about it and wanted to know if there was anything she could do to help, but of course, she can't. I'm not sure anyone can help me.. Is this terminal? Who knows? I don't know if sensei's treatments are working yet or not.  
  
March 20/ I'm almost ready to graduate, I was told today while I was catching up on my online classes. Only a couple more months to go, since I'm a bit behind because of my illness. I should've graduated last year, since I'm a Junior now. (AN: Japanese Juniors are equivalent to American Seniors, they have only 3 yrs. of high school) I hope I can keep this up, I've just been so tired lately. Shinji is reluctantly going back to school these days to catch up himself and I'm glad. I'm just hoping his teachers won't judge him too harshly. I've been thinking about a lot of things lately and I've discussed them with Misato, since I don't want to trouble poor Shin-chan. I don't want him to be any more depressed about things than he already is.  
  
(Sometime in April)  
  
"Itai! Yukito-sensei, is this really necessary?" Kaworu asked wearily.  
  
"As always, Nagisa-san. I can't administer the treatment without it," Dr. Yukito told him patiently. It was the same exchange at the beginning of each session, but the doctor knew it was Kaworu's way of saying, 'I'll tolerate this, but I don't have to like it.' Kaworu was reclining in a comfortable padded chair as the doctor set up an I.V. port in the outside of his arm, then hooked up a bag of slightly milky fluid to it. He hung it from a hooked metal pole attached to the side of the headrest. Kaworu sighed and looked to the window.  
  
"I'll send Shuichi-san in to start the next part in an hour, Nagisa-san. The TV remote and magazines are to your left, as usual. Are you thirsty yet?"  
  
"No, but I know I will be after Shuichi gets here," Kaworu replied. The doctor nodded, understanding, as he closed the door of the treatment room when he left. Kaworu frowned and turned on the TV. He was always uncomfortable when he came in for his treatments and Shinji wouldn't be back until it was all over. He'd insisted that Shinji take a break and go eat lunch while he was stuck here and so that was where he was now.  
  
The hour went by and Shuichi came in and pulled up a chair, then hooked up another bag. Kaworu turned to regard him with a tired look.  
  
"How are you today, Shuichi-san?" he asked with a yawn.  
  
"I'm fine, Nagisa-san. How're you feeling today?" Shuichi asked as he adjusted the flow of the I.V. and picked up the first syringe of the next part of the treatment.  
  
"Tired," Kaworu replied and looked away as Shuichi quietly injected the contents into the port, following it up with another, filled with an odd, slightly fluorescent green liquid. Then he sat back to wait, watching TV with Kaworu. A little while later, Kaworu groaned and his eyes widened as he gripped the arms of the chair. Shuichi sat up and clicked the stopwatch to carefully time Kaworu's reaction.  
  
Kaworu blinked and swallowed hard as it started to kick in, feeling a metallic taste in his mouth and an excessively warm feeling spreading throughout his body. His pulse rate quickened and his chest felt tight as he groaned again and began to pant. I HATE this part! He was restless in the chair, fidgeting his legs and tossing his head from side to side as Shuichi kept his eyes on the watch. A little cry escaped Kaworu as the pain spread out over him and he squeezed his eyes shut as he gasped for breath.  
  
"Almost done, Nagisa-san. Hang in there," Shuichi said. He had to add the stabilizer at just the right time or the treatment would send Kaworu into cardiac arrest. As Kaworu arched his back, clenched the chair and cried out between pants, the watch beeped and Shuichi quickly jabbed the last syringe into the port, sending the medication home about ten minutes after he'd began the timer. After about a minute, Kaworu began to relax, slumping in the chair with half closed eyes as he wheezed, trying to catch his breath.  
  
He felt Shuichi quickly check his vitals and then heard him setting up a juice box for him, like usual. It helped to take the taste out of his mouth and he was always cotton-mouthed after these things, so it slaked his thirst, too. He drank from the little straw deeply as Shuichi kindly held the box for him, since he was exhausted and needed another hour to recover.  
  
"Th-thanks.. Sh-Shuichi-san.." Kaworu said hoarsely after he'd drained the juice box. He closed his eyes as he started to shiver a little and brought his arms across his chest. Another side effect; a sudden drop of body temperature. Shuichi calmly brought a blanket up over Kaworu and tucked it around him, then turned the flow of the I.V. down a little.  
  
"Relax now, Nagisa-san. You'll warm up now and in a little while you can go home. You don't have to do this for another month, just keep that in mind," Shuichi said to the yawning Kaworu. He was still achy, but too sleepy to care. "I'll tell Dr. Yukito how you did and he'll come to see you in a bit." Shuichi cleaned up the empty syringes and so on, then left Kaworu alone to sleep it off, turning the harsh fluorescent lights off as he went. Warm dappled sunlight filtered through the window to gently soothe Kaworu's chilled body and he breathed a sigh of relief that, for now, it was all over..  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
Kaworu was awoken by gentle strokes of his hair and opened his eyes to see Shinji looking at him with a slight smile.  
  
"Hey there, sleepyhead. Ready to go home now?" Shinji asked softly.  
  
"Always," Kaworu replied as he sat up, slightly nauseous and achy. He noticed the I.V. port was gone and a small bandage was in its place. Sighing, he drew his light blanket around him and Dr. Yukito knocked as he came in to talk to them a little. He gave Kaworu a refill on his anti- nausea meds and told him to take it easy for a while, since the treatments were almost like chemotherapy; designed to retard and hopefully halt his disease altogether. Kaworu found it hard to be optimistic these days, but he tried anyway. As long as I still have Shin-chan, Misato and Sakura, I'll be able to put up with this  
  
He leaned on his dark-haired partner for support as they left the doctor's office. The long drive home was very quiet, with Kaworu leaning against the rolled up passenger side window, absently watching the rain falling around them, sliding past the windshield and his own window. The steady 'thump, thump.. thump, thump' of the wipers, the soft rush of the heater coming on and the clicking of the turn signals as Shinji navigated his way back to their apartment building were the only sounds for most of the trip.  
  
When they were stopped at a red light, Kaworu quietly shared his fear with Shinji. "I think I'm dying, Shin-chan.."  
  
It was a good thing they were stopped, or else Shinji might've run into someone, in shock. "W-what do you mean by that, Kaworu?!"  
  
"I mean, that I don't think sensei's treatments are working; when it comes to stopping my deterioration," Kaworu went on calmly. "My lungs are still acting up and I still can't walk very well without help. I still have a lot of my other problems, too." He sighed and a honk from behind them jolted Shinji back to reality and he set the car in motion again.  
  
"T-that doesn't necessarily mean anything," Shinji stammered. "M-maybe it just takes a while to really, you know, show that it's working."  
  
I don't want to take away his hope.. But I'm just afraid that it's a false hope "Shin-chan, it's been almost three months though - " he began, but Shinji cut him off, saying, "Kao-chan, give it a little more time before you give up, onegai?! You've gotta try, anyway. So, c'mon now, okay? Remember what we said before? That we'd watch each other's backs and we'd be there for each other?" Kaworu said, "Yes, but - ," but Shinji cut him off again.  
  
"Well, I'm not gonna leave you and I'm not calling this a lost cause until - until I'm sure. Are you with me? For - for now, at least?"  
  
Kaworu sighed, but quietly said, "Alright Shin-chan, I'm with you. For now." He knew better than to push it, because when Shinji was determined, he was a little stubborn and wanted to take care of his Kao-chan, in spite of it all. He loved his pouty koibito and slid a hand onto his thigh in appeasement. "Gomen, Shin-chan. Let's just relax a while.." he said as they arrived home at last.  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
(Kaworu's Diary Entries)  
  
June 6/Today, my gentle, caring koibito turns 18 and catches up to me again. I wish I could've given him a better, more 'exciting' birthday, so to speak, but I had to be careful this time. Sweet as he was, Shinji told me he didn't mind. So we took it nice and slow and still managed to make the experience enjoyable. Also, I got my diploma in the mail today. I'm a high school graduate now! Shinji was very happy and I called Misato and Sakura to share. They congratulated me and said they were glad to hear I was feeling a little better.  
  
Shin-chan had his own graduation last month, finally caught up with all his teachers. He wasn't top of his class, but neither am I. Just because I'm an Angel, it doesn't mean I'm a fountain of knowledge. But we both got good grades and I'm proud of us. Misato is helping me set up another surprise, too. I just hope we'll be able to make it come together in time..  
  
September 13/Happy birthday to me.. It was the best one I've ever had. I got a few presents from Shinji, Misato and Sakura, of course, but I think the best one was the look on Shin-chan's face when I told him what Misato & I'd been planning; our special ceremony. Misato had pulled some strings and got all the legal paperwork set for us to sign and, well, we signed them. I wished I'd been feeling well enough to give Shinji the whole ceremony, with the formal Japanese clothes and all, but I had to settle for the papers and Shinji sliding a silver band on my finger. He kept his engagement ring, instead of a plain band like mine. Misato was our witness and I said my vows to him:  
  
'My dearest koibito. You've stuck by me through the past years, sharing your life with me, through pain and sadness as well as pleasure and joy. I remember our beginnings and how we almost lost each other. It scared me terribly to think that I'd never again get to see you, hold you, hear your heartbeat as we fell asleep or taste the anticipation on your lips every time I kissed you.  
  
You are my joy and you are what makes all the pain I endure worthwhile. For if one knows no pain, then how can one know what happiness truly is? So pain is necessary, I'm afraid, in one form or degree or other. But I don't mind it. At least not very much anyway, because you're still here with me and that's all that matters.  
  
So I promise to love, honor and cherish you, itsumo, for however long we have left together. And I know you feel the same, because you've told me so, always letting me know it and hear it, so I don't give up too easily. I thank you for that and that you love me so much to put yourself through hell with concern for me. We may both be strong alone - but we're unbreakable together. I've never regretted my decision to stand against it all with you. You changed my life forever and I am honored to be your partner, Ikari-Nagisa Shinji-kun.'  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
Well, that's it for chapter three, one more to come. (I already have this written out in a tablet, it's just taking me forever to type it right now, with my pc restrictions. . ) But I will put it up, please be patient? (And I know about the overwhelming sap factor in my K & S fics, sorry, can't help it! They're my favorite couple, what can I say?) Anyway, hope you enjoyed and please review? Arigato for your time, minnasan! 


	4. Hane no Tenshi

What His Crimson Eyes Believe In4 an Eva fic by AngelDragon  
  
Hi again minna! As always, thanks for the reviews, especially May & Koneko (hugs) as well as Logo-san and Kiarene-san. You guys are just too great!! Okay, usual warnings apply here, rated 'R' for obvious reasons (i.e. possible language, shounen-ai/yaoi content, etc.) You know the drill, if you don't like, please don't read, okay? Now then, these: blah are thoughts, as usual. This is the last chapter in my long-ass trilogy series (as well as this particular fic), hope you enjoy and thanks for your support! (And of course I don't own Eva, just this fic)  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
Chapter 4: Hane no Tenshi (On Angel's Wings)  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
"Sunlight fades, but dawn will come again.  
  
Moonlight fades, but the moon itself will shine as an eternal mirror.  
  
People you love are fragile, like glass, to be handled with care.  
  
With time and tempering, they can be as quartz crystal, stronger than they appear.  
  
Sun and Moon, Love and Strength. They balance the scales of life." - (me, written Nov. 30'th, 2002) Long time ago, ne? ^^'  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
February 2020  
  
"Oh.. Shin-chan.. Don't - don't stop! I'm - alright.." Kaworu said breathily. The bed creaked a little as Shinji shifted his weight behind the panting Kaworu. They were sitting up in bed, amidst the soft comforter and cool sheets, the blinds up and curtains open in the mostly darkened bedroom so they could watch the rain outside. It was a steady, low drone against the building, sliding in thin rivulets down the windowpane. A flash of lightning illuminated the otherwise quiet cityscape and the bared skin and shining eyes of the room's bishonen.  
  
"Are you sure Kao-chan?" Shinji whispered in his significant other's ear. He was gently running hands down Kaworu's arms and chest while nuzzling his soft gray hair. I love the scent of the rain. It's even in Kaworu's hair  
  
"Y - yes.. It's been so long.." Kaworu moaned as Shinji's lips found his neck. He leaned his head back to expose his throat to him and he took the invitation. His groans vibrated against Shinji's teeth and Kaworu felt him smile as he kissed and worried at the soft, sensitive skin. He leaned back against Shinji's chest, reveling in the waves of pleasure that ran down his body, pushing aside the pain he'd been feeling earlier. I don't care! We haven't been together like this.. Since our wedding night. I - I can forget that I'm sick - for a little while..  
  
Kaworu relaxed and let Shinji be seme, something that normally didn't happen between them, but he just didn't have the strength to perform the way he used to. A sudden, booming crack of thunder startled them and Shinji squeezed Kaworu's hands as he accidentally bit him on the shoulder. Kaworu gasped as he squeezed his eyes shut, feeling Shinji's heart thudding against his back. He didn't blame him, he could feel his own doing the same and heard Shinji say, "Gomen, Kao-chan, I didn't mean it!"  
  
He started to cough deeply and when he got control again, slumped back against Shinji, who held him close, concerned for him.  
  
"I know, Shin-chan. I'm.. fine, really," he said wearily. Tentatively, Shinji nuzzled at his jaw. "Maybe - maybe we shouldn't yet?"  
  
"If we go slow, it'll be okay," Kaworu said, sighing. "Just like before." He felt Shinji gradually working things back up, but more hesitantly in certain areas. He still enjoyed it, but a thought kept scratching at the back of his more pleasant ones. How long.. Until I can't at all, anymore? What then?..  
  
(Kaworu's Diary Entry)  
  
April 10/I had another treatment today. This wouldn't have been a big deal, but when I woke up after, I couldn't move my legs. It didn't bother me a lot, because at home I could just use my power to glide, but Shinji was rather upset. All that Yukito-sensei could tell us was hopefully it would wear off, like before. I'm worried about Shin-chan. He's taking on my pain as his own and it's hurting him inside. He tries to hide it, but I can see him when he thinks I'm not looking. He doesn't sleep well these days, either and tries to hang around at home with me as much as he can. I think he's finally coming to terms with my illness, but it's making him miserable. I keep trying hard to make him feel better, though.  
  
(Sometime in June)  
  
"Hello? Oh, hi Shinji. How are you and Kaworu?" Misato was at home, kicking back in front of the TV, when she got Shinji's call.  
  
"Um, not too good Misato," Shinji said, huddling up on the couch in his and Kaworu's apartment. He felt so strange lately, like he was in a daze or a dream he couldn't wake up from. "C - could I come over for a little while? I.. I really need someone to talk to."  
  
Misato's brow rose, wondering about his tone. "Eh, sure Shinji. What about Kaworu?"  
  
"He - he's sleeping right now. He does that a lot lately.. I don't wanna disturb him. He still can't - can't move his legs." Shinji's voice hitched a little and Misato could hear the stress in his voice. Man, it's worse than I thought  
  
"I'm sorry to hear that Shinji. C'mon over and I'll order some dinner or something, okay?" she offered.  
  
"M - maybe I shouldn't after all." He looked down the short hall to their darkened room. "Kaworu might need me.."  
  
Misato gave an exasperated sigh, running a hand through her hair as she got up for more coffee. "Look Shinji. I'm sure Kaworu can take care of himself for a little while. He did fine while you were at school, ne? You need a break or you're gonna end up a nineteen year old with premature gray hair! Not to mention an ulcer the size of Tokyo-3."  
  
She heard Shinji sigh, then say, "Alright, I see your point. I'll be over in a few minutes. I've gotta.. Take care of something first." They said their goodbyes and after he turned the cordless phone off, he got up and went to their bedroom. He stood in the doorway, letting his eyes adjust, then went to kneel by their bedside after leaving the phone on the nightstand. He stayed there for a few minutes, watching Kaworu sleeping soundly, his gentle face relaxed, deep red eyes closed and twitching slightly in REM sleep.  
  
Shinji smiled and reached out to gently stroke his cheek and soft, sleep- tousled hair. He leaned in for a light kiss on Kaworu's lips and felt a pang of guilt when his pulse rate jumped and he pulled back, resting his hand on Kaworu's shoulder. He - he can still feel, right? Maybe he wouldn't mind.. He shakily ran that hand down, under the blanket but stopped at his waist when he felt Kaworu stir in his sleep and heard him groan slightly. What am I DOING?! I can't do this to him - I'd be no better than that bastard Li if I did it!  
  
Ashamed of himself, Shinji quickly took his hand from under the blanket and got unsteadily to his feet. He covered Kaworu up more and staggered to the bathroom to satisfy his growing need. He closed his eyes and fumbled through his guilty pleasure, his face hot with embarrassment and tears. Shuddering with the conclusion, he leaned against the cool wall and tried to get control of himself again. How can I do this to him? It feels like I'm cheating on him or something! After cleaning up, he hastily scrawled a note for Kaworu and left it with the phone.  
  
(Sometime in July)  
  
"Shinji! Oh Kami ITAI!!" Kaworu was doubled over in the car as Shinji hurried them to the same hospital as before, to meet up with Dr. Yukito and Shuichi. "I know Kao-chan! Hang in there, we'll be there soon!"  
  
Earlier that morning, Kaworu's coughing fit got so bad he'd thrown up blood, scaring the hell out of them both and sending Shinji practically through the phone at the doctor, trying to explain. He calmed down only enough to drive and throw on normal clothes before carrying the pj-clad, blanketed Kaworu down to the car. Kaworu had been too distracted and exhausted to glide, so determined Shinji had just scooped him up and that was that. He was light enough not to be a problem, anyway.  
  
Soon, Kaworu was laid out in a bed in the emergency room and Dr. Yukito and his assistants were stripping him down and checking him over while he cried out in pain and tried to squirm away from the poking and prodding. Shinji was hustled to the private waiting room to pace and update Shuichi's questions. He could hear some of Kaworu's protests even through the closed door. It was almost two hours before Dr. Yukito himself came in to talk to him.  
  
"Alright, now I can tell you how he's doing, um, Ikari-Nagisa-san," Dr. Yukito began, thrown for a second by Shinji's new status with Kaworu. "We did an endoscopy on him and he's got a bad ulcer that's been bleeding for a while. The erosion ruptured a vessel and that put additional stress on him." Shinji slumped to the chair, stunned and waiting for the other shoe to fall.  
  
"I'm concerned about his breathing as well. He's awfully congested lately and I'm not comfortable with the fact that he can't move his legs still." He took a breath, knowing this would be the real blow to Shinji. "So I'm admitting him again." Shinji groaned, running fingers through his hair as he leaned back. That won't go over well, I can see it now..  
  
"How long, sensei?" he asked.  
  
"For at least three days." Shinji groaned again. "Only because he needs it, I assure you. I'm aware of the fact that he hates this, but should he continue being in pain? We may not have a cure for him, but we can at least treat his symptoms."  
  
Shinji reluctantly agreed. "Have you told him yet?" he asked, playing with his ring, making light bounce off the little diamond.  
  
"Yes, I did. I had to sedate him a little again. He almost managed to bring up his AT field, but I got it into his arm in time. Fortunately no one but myself and my team saw him, so his secret is still safe. You can see him now, Ikari-Nagisa-san."  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
In the quiet, private room again, Shinji stood by his koi's bedside. This is like déjà vu He stifled a nervous giggle. Kaworu was hooked up to an I.V line and had small oxygen tubes in his nostrils as he lay there tucked in. He looked at Shinji blearily. "Can't we just go home Shin-chan?" he asked softly, yawning a bit. Shinji shook his head sadly and held Kaworu's hand. "Not yet Kao-chan. Gomenasai. You should rest now, but I'll stay with you for a while, okay?"  
  
"Alright.. Oyasumi.." Kaworu said as he went under, eyes slamming shut. Shinji was tired as well and the stress took over, making him sit heavily in the guest's chair and rest his head on the bed. I'll just rest my eyes a little..  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
"So then. I see I'm doing this again." Kaworu found himself out of his body again, hovering in mid-air over it, looking down at Shinji sleeping in the chair. Poor Shinji. He's as worn out as I am He watched him for a while, until a familiar face showed up, 'sitting' by the window of his room.  
  
"We meet again, Nagisa-kun?" Rei said, with a slight smile. "But it's Ikari-Nagisa now, isn't it? Yui and I are happy for you, but I can tell that something is wrong."  
  
Kaworu nodded. "I'm dying, Ayanami/Yui-kun. And I still don't know why." He sighed, sitting in mid-air now. "I mean, I know the technicalities but not where this all came from."  
  
"I could help you with that, if you want. But you must tell Shinji, Yui wants him to know so he doesn't keep blaming himself," Rei said, drifting over to him. Kaworu was stunned for a second. "You can? O - of course I'll let him know!"  
  
"I had access to all of Seele's data before I erased it. Give me some time and I'll remember it, I promise you, Ikari-Nagisa-kun," Rei said quietly. "So tell me what you remember, to help me recall, onegai?"  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
Kaworu ended up having to stay in the hospital for over a week and was miserable. He didn't talk much and was very depressed and uncomfortable, since Dr. Yukito insisted on extensive testing to make sure he wasn't bleeding anywhere else. He even had daily breathing treatments to help his damaged lungs and his medications were making him groggy. Shinji came by every day to keep him company and even Misato and Sakura visited a little. Sakura had cried a little when she saw how thin and exhausted he'd become.  
  
"It's - okay - Sakura-kun," Kaworu had told her softly, in between deep breaths. He'd had to wear a little clear plastic oxygen mask for a while, so he didn't have to work so hard to breathe. Shinji sat in the bedside chair, quietly watching this girl who used to scare the hell out of him as she sat tentatively beside the propped up Kaworu on his bed. She seems so different now, like she doesn't know what to do with herself. I don't blame her. Neither do I  
  
Kaworu had given her a small smile as he reached up with a shaky hand to brush at her tears and push aside her dark hair. "Don't cry - onegai?"  
  
"I m-issed out - on s-so m-much!" Sakura cried, her voice hitching as she tried to calm down. "I m-issed y-you!" Shinji looked at her sympathetically and Kaworu had caught him then took a hand from them both, giving them a little squeeze. They looked at him, puzzled, but he didn't drop his smile. "It couldn't - be - helped - Sakura-kun. Don't - blame yourselves, - either of you," he said, coughing a little. Though concerned for him, they understood what he meant.  
  
"You two - should talk - sometime. And talk - with Misato, too," he'd gone on. "Stay friends - okay?" They'd looked at each other, surprised to see pretty much the same emotions on their faces, then looked to Kaworu and promised him they would.  
  
Eventually though, Kaworu couldn't take the hospital anymore. He'd had enough and one night, he said so. Before visiting hours were over, he waited 'til the doctor was in the room to check on him then said, "I want - to go home - now."  
  
"Are you sure? This won't get any easier," Dr. Yukito said, glancing at the couple. Kaworu fought to stay awake. "Yes!" He started coughing deeply, angrily sitting up, his eyes squeezed shut in pain. He slumped back against the partly raised bed and took deep pulls from his little mask as Shinji held it over his nose and mouth for him. He looked Shinji in his deep blue eyes as he said, "Shinji - please take - me home now?"  
  
Shinji could see the calmness in his crimson eyes. Despite it all, he can still be like that? I'm amazed "Of course, if it's what you really want?" Kaworu nodded and that was that. Dr. Yukito helped them make arrangements for Kaworu's home care. Shinji would do most of it, getting help from the doctor and Shuichi, if needed. And so began the last leg of the journey for the Ikari-Nagisa couple..  
  
(Kaworu's Diary Entry)  
  
August 25/I feel.. So strange lately. Ayanami/Yui-kun came to me early this morning, Shinji was still asleep in bed with me. She told me everything.. Seele created this disease in me as a fail-safe - so that I'd never truly escape their will. I was meant to die.. If not as the catalyst for the end of the Lilim, then like this, almost 20 years after my creation. There is no way to cure it or reverse it; it was engineered into my own genome.  
  
I told Shinji, just as I promised and he took it well enough. What's done is done, so all we can do now is make the most of the time we have with each other. I already have everything in order, with help from Misato, so Shinji can rest easier about a few things, anyway. I think he knows that there's nothing he could've done to stop this, that it wasn't his fault, but I still try and show him anyway. I love my koibito and am so glad we became friends and partners. I'll miss Shinji and the girls so much..  
  
(Sometime in October)  
  
"I'll be back in a second, Kao-chan, I'm thirsty," Shinji said as he went to the kitchen. He'd been helping Kaworu with his physical therapy so his leg muscles wouldn't atrophy, but he needed a break. After his drink, he went back into their room to discover quite a sight.  
  
Kaworu was sitting up in bed, his eyes closed in concentration. He still had his oxygen and I.V hook ups, but there was also a strange addition: a pair of large, slightly glowing, white-feathered wings had sprouted from his bare shoulders. Shinji stared in awe as he unsteadily crossed the room. "K - Kaworu?! Where-?" he began, but stopped as Kaworu turned his now opened eyes on him with a smile.  
  
"I wanted - to feel - what it - was like," Kaworu said, in between raspy breaths. "I - wanted you - to see.." Shinji sat heavily on the edge of the bed and reached out shakily to touch the soft, almost unreal feathers. "T - they're beautiful.. I can't believe you made these." He looked at him with concern when Kaworu leaned forward, breathing deeply as his slender wings drooped. "But you shouldn't have done it. You must've used so much energy.." Shinji felt a long primary feather come out in his hand as he stroked a wing.  
  
"Don't care. They're - my early - present - to you," Kaworu panted as Shinji watched him force himself to sit up straight. He shivered a little, wings twitching as a couple more feathers drifted to the floor.  
  
"Are you cold? You took off your pj shirt," Shinji said as he stood up. Kaworu nodded and coughed deeply, wincing and hugging his chest in pain, a little blood at the corner of his mouth he felt Shinji absently wipe away.  
  
"Let me warm you up, okay?" Shinji carefully navigated around all the tubes and his koi's new appendages and crawled into bed to sit behind him. He drew another blanket around the two of them and let Kaworu rest against his chest as he held him close, feeling the softness of the feathers against his cheek. Kaworu sighed, resting his head on Shinji's shoulder. "Arigato - koibito," he gasped and felt Shinji nuzzling his temple. "Sure thing, Kao-chan. You just relax and rest."  
  
"So cold - tired.." Kaworu said softly as he shivered. Shinji felt the tears coming but didn't care. He blinked them off and sniffled, then began to gently rock back and forth slightly as he hummed an old song he heard when he was little. Kaworu smiled behind his mask as his eyes slowly slid shut. "Ai suru - Shinji.. Itsumo.." Shinji nodded, hugging Kaworu tight as he continued to lull him to sleep. "Itsumo Kaworu. I love you too.." He squeezed his eyes shut, a few tears sliding down his cheeks to fall onto Kaworu's pale skin, as a few more snowy feathers fluttered to rest on the carpet.  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
"Oh, hello. You're Misato-san, aren't you?" a young woman with long dark hair and a small streak of violet color behind her ear said. Misato was on the elevator and turned to regard her with a raised brow. "Yes, um, who're you?" She seems familiar She was carrying a card in one hand and a small spray of flowers in the other. She looked a little sad though. I know the feeling. How much longer will this go on?  
  
"I'm Wakai Sakura, a friend of Kaworu-kun and Shinji-kun. They told me about you, Misato-san. Were you coming for a visit too?" Sakura asked, glancing at the flowers and card Misato was holding. Misato gave a small smile, saying, "Yeah. Kaworu's still pretty sick and I thought they could both use some company. I see we've got the same idea." Sakura nodded and they continued the ride in silence.  
  
As they approached the apartment door, they were surprised to see Shinji standing just outside it, staring out at the cityscape beyond the railing, in bare feet, shorts and a tank top. Misato noticed the smears of blood on his mouth and hand, shocked. They ran up to him, concerned that he didn't seem to notice their presence.  
  
"Shinji? What's the matter?" Misato asked him, putting a hand on his shoulder as Shinji began to walk toward the railing. He stopped, blinked and turned to look at her with a stunned look on his face. His eyes were red and his flushed face tear streaked. He gawked at her without speaking for almost a minute. "What happened?!" she demanded, giving his shoulders a light shake back to reality.  
  
Shinji screwed up his face and fell to his knees by them, starting to cry again. The two women knelt beside him, startled to see him like this, gory and broken, and Misato put an arm around him as he doubled over, bawling at the top of his lungs and she knew, glancing over him at Sakura, who gave her a knowing look. They hugged him tightly, letting him cry it out as they did a little crying of their own..  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
"So.. Is this it, Ayanami/Yui-kun?" Their astral selves hovered above the sobbing trio, looking down on them as Shinji's anguished screams carried over the two women's cries.  
  
"It doesn't have to be. You are also the Angel of Free Will - Tabris-kun, ne?" Rei stated, calmly sitting in mid-air beside Kaworu. "You don't have to see the void or be reborn if you don't want to." She sighed. "Yui is sad for him. He'll need their support now.." Kaworu's ghostly form drifted closer to them, a sad smile on his face, glowing with pale light.  
  
"He'll need a Guardian Angel then, won't he?" he asked, wrapping his handsome phantom wings around the trio and brushing Shinji's dark hair with his fingers. He saw Shinji look up suddenly, hope and sorrow in those blue eyes Kaworu knew so well. I could almost say that he could see me.. He leaned forward to brush his formless lips across Shinji's before backing off a bit. Shinji shuddered, slumping into Misato's arms, breathing hard to calm down.  
  
"Yes. Yui and I agree that you'd be perfect for the job," Rei said with a slight smile. Kaworu turned brilliant red eyes up to her and grinned widely. "Then I accept! Shinji will never truly be alone, I promise to watch over him and stay with him." Rei nodded down to him. "That's good enough for us, Ikari-Nagisa-kun."  
  
(Kaworu's Diary Entry; made by Shinji)  
  
December 9/This is Ikari-Nagisa Shinji. I, um, was cleaning up for the holidays and I found my koibito's diary. (Gomenasai Kaworu, but I read it) It brought back so many memories.. Whether they were good or bad, I'll treasure them and this book. I'll write in it now, Kao-chan and I'll be myself, like you said. It's only been a couple months, but it feels like you're still here with me.. I like that. I never want to lose that.  
  
It was a nice, private funeral, just like you'd arranged with Misato and you were cremated like you wanted. I've got your ashes in a little sealed urn on a little Shinto shrine in the living room. I even set it up with your picture and everything. I wouldn't call myself a strict devotee but I can feel YOUR spirit anyway. It's hard sometimes, koi, to keep going but I do. I don't know what I'll do with the rest of my life, maybe I'll go to college finally, with that sneaky fund you and Misato set me up with.  
  
We keep in touch a lot, even with Sakura. Though she's still a little scary at times with her personality! I'm not getting another boyfriend or husband though. No one can compare to you and I don't want anyone else, anyway. I'm keeping all your stuff, too. I don't want to get rid of anything, especially that plushie you gave me.. And this diary and your special red silk shirt! I miss you a lot, the holidays aren't making it any easier, either.  
  
I have to close this for now though, I've gotta finish putting together dinner and the tree. Misato had a free night off of work and Sakura's taking the subway from her and her roommate's apartment way out from Tokyo- 3. We're going to eat and trim out the tree. I - I even got a special ornament this year, like we used to do each year: an angel with real feathered wings. And well, I kept some of your feathers to remember you by.. I sort of shaped them into a big, wing-shaped fan and hung it on the wall in our bedroom. No one knows where such large feathers really came from, don't worry. It's our secret I even hung your surfboard up on the living room wall, that cherry tree branch design looks so pretty!  
  
Ai suru, Kaworu. Itsumo.. I'll keep writing koi, I promise. Merry Christmas, Kao-chan. It won't be the same without you..  
  
~OWARI~  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
Well, it's over, the whole trilogy.. And this took me how long? Well, to give you an example, I originally started writing this (in the tablet) Oct. 16, 2002 and finished it on Dec. 9, 2002. As of the typing of this chapter, it's now May 9, 2003! Took me long enough, ne? Oh well, I loved writing this, even if it was depressing sometimes. Quite a few songs went into the creation of this fic, too many to name, but I'd always liked that Sara Mc Lachlan song 'I Will Remember You', so I had to use the lyrics at the opening of chapters 1-3, couldn't help it. The sappy thing at the opening of this chapter was just a dumb poem I wrote last year, pay it no mind. Hope you all enjoyed this and please review? Thanks to all who were polite with their comments!  
  
Feel free to read the rest of my crap, this Kaworu & Shinji trilogy should be read like this: first 'Echoes of Angels', then this 4 chapter one, then the one-shot 'Days Go By'. Hopefully, not too confusing? Ja ne, minnasan! 


End file.
